Lost

After only knowing I was pregnant for 12 days, I lost my little pumpkin seed. Right now I’m just numb. I don’t feel anything but will spontaneously cry. My poor husband doesn’t know what to do or say. I wish I could tell him what he could do to make it better but the truth is I don’t know what could make it better. I never thought that I could love something so much after only 12 days. The last 5 days have been an emotional roller-coaster that I thought would all be worth it in the end. But obviously it wasn’t. I just know that all I’ve ever wanted was a family. I know it will eventually happen, but when? It just isn’t fair, ya know? Why is it that people who don’t want kids, or can’t handle them, have kids? Why are they more worthy than I? It doesn’t make sense! And why do some women have to have such a hard time getting pregnant and others just stop using birth control and POOF! What about the ones whose BC fails them. THEY DIDN’T EVEN WANT A KID! Why? I know that God has a plan and everything in his time and all those other cliches that everyone tries to tell me. I just want to know WHY.

Trying again– We’re not exactly sure when we’ll start again. I know it’s not going to be long, but we are going to give ourselves some time. We both know that miscarriage is part of the trying process. We know that this loss hurts but we can’t be scared to try again.

If you’ve been trying to call, I’m sorry but we’re not answering the phones. We’re just going to be together today.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lifewithscottzachary
    Feb 20, 2010 @ 15:58:16

    Jasmine, I am so, so sorry. I know all to well the pain, fear and sadness you are going through. Despite the sadness you will look at the loss of pumpkin seed and feel honored that you were chosen for the hardest job of all, the job of being amother to an angel. It is not often acknowledged and people will avoid the subject. I know for me, by the third loss I was just plain angry. Embrace your emotions and do not let anyone make you feel bad for grieving your loss. ((hugs))

    Reply

  2. andrea rios
    Feb 20, 2010 @ 16:34:15

    hey dear, i know you dont want to talk to anyone right now, but i just want to tell you that i love you! and what happened itsn’t because your not worthy, if anyone was ever it’d be you. im here for you. and i know ever yone has told you all the cliche comments, but i wanna tell you that when god gives you guys a little one, you will love him/her that much more. no one knows why god does the things he does, you should read the book of samuel about hannah and her journey about having children. well i love you and i’ll do anything for you ok!

    Reply

  3. Megan
    Feb 20, 2010 @ 23:29:02

    It’s not fair that miscarriage has to be a part of TTC. It sucks that it can be such a challenge. I know that grief, and it feels all too recent. But I can tell you that a lot of good came out of my loss and pain. I think when you have felt that loss, you cherish pregnancy just that much more. You tend not to complain as much about little things b/c you know they could be worse. You gain sympathy towards others going through the same thing and sometimes you can be thier stepping stone towards their healing. And for me, it was God’s way of nudging me into his plan for our journey of adoption. Even though I would never wish it on anyone, I can almost say I’m grateful…not that I went through it, but what I learned from it.
    Hugs to you as you go through this very difficult time. I agree that its important to have that time with your husband and grieve. Please let me know if you need to talk.

    Reply

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