Wednesday Nears again…

26 weeks!! That’s what my FB status would say tomorrow. I would be complaining about how my little one is in my ribs all day. I would be talking about the baby using my bladder as a squeeze toy. I might even be posting my latest craving. But I’m not. My facebook and blog is filled with what ifs. What if I hadn’t lost my precious gift. What if I wasn’t out to sea. What if… I am trying so hard to keep it all together, but it gets harder everyday I get closer to my due date. All I can think about is what I did to deserve this pain. What I can do to make it go away. What I can do to be pregnant again. I know that another baby will never replace that initial joy. The excitement I had never seen in my husband “can I call my dad now?!” the tears of joy I rarely experienced before and haven’t experienced since. I find myself hiding status updates from those that dote over their beautiful babies and shying away from my support system since they’re all mommies now. I hate that I’m out here all alone. I’m not even with my own ship and my friends. I was too afraid to ask for my orders back because I was so sure I would be pregnant again in no time. Why did I think that I was that lucky? I should have just gone back. Obviously I’d still be there with them. I’d have my friends. Now I just want to die. I want to curl up and die. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. I’m tired all the time from crying, I try my best to lean on my Lord but I don’t think I’m doing it right.  😦 I wish I could make my pain go away.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Abigail Davalos
    Jul 13, 2010 @ 05:07:57

    I’m sorry for your loss. No one can share that other than others that have also walked that path. I hope God does help you bare this burden of sorrow. I hope that in times of silence you can feel him hugging you and helping you through the sadness. Jasmine you are very special and I hope that you see that all adversity makes us stronger. You by yourself, your loss, and seperation from frioends makes you stronger. God always presents challenges in the form of “trouble,” or trials. He never gives us something we can’t handle. And if I remember anything about you at all?…. You are a strong woman, and always see the silver lining in the darkest of clouds. I won’t preach anymore, but coming from a mom, a mom who has had a loss, you will get through this and be able to share with others. Take care, and always God blesses you.

    Reply

  2. lifewithscottzachary
    Jul 14, 2010 @ 08:39:16

    Please do not lose hope. I know that loss brings a darm cloud with it that seems to hover over you, suffocating you. You cannot get through this on your own. You need the Lord, your husband and your friends. I know that being out to sea makes it harder and the isolation gives you more time to dwell on your pain. The pain never goes away, but it does get better. ((hugs))

    Reply

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