Wednesday Nears again…

26 weeks!! That’s what my FB status would say tomorrow. I would be complaining about how my little one is in my ribs all day. I would be talking about the baby using my bladder as a squeeze toy. I might even be posting my latest craving. But I’m not. My facebook and blog is filled with what ifs. What if I hadn’t lost my precious gift. What if I wasn’t out to sea. What if… I am trying so hard to keep it all together, but it gets harder everyday I get closer to my due date. All I can think about is what I did to deserve this pain. What I can do to make it go away. What I can do to be pregnant again. I know that another baby will never replace that initial joy. The excitement I had never seen in my husband “can I call my dad now?!” the tears of joy I rarely experienced before and haven’t experienced since. I find myself hiding status updates from those that dote over their beautiful babies and shying away from my support system since they’re all mommies now. I hate that I’m out here all alone. I’m not even with my own ship and my friends. I was too afraid to ask for my orders back because I was so sure I would be pregnant again in no time. Why did I think that I was that lucky? I should have just gone back. Obviously I’d still be there with them. I’d have my friends. Now I just want to die. I want to curl up and die. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. I’m tired all the time from crying, I try my best to lean on my Lord but I don’t think I’m doing it right.  😦 I wish I could make my pain go away.

Umm… Wait… Huh?

So I’m reading my message boards on the babycenter community and I run across this little… Gem. Tell me if this makes sense to you… Someone is trying to have a baby. Does not have insurance. Would not be covered under the potential baby daddy (not husband) and is expecting… wait for it… GOVERNMENT INSURANCE to cover her baby.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

NO, that’s so back asswards it’s not even funny! You don’t try for a baby and THEN get insurance! You get your shit together, settle down with someone and THEN try! Now don’t get me wrong, if you’re not married and you want to have a baby, I’m not judging. Me and Juan technically were not married (or engaged) when we started trying. BUT, here’s the thing, being ready for a baby isn’t just a thought you have. It’s not a wake-up-one-day-and-decide-today’s-the-day-I’m-ready kind of thing. It’s a prepare-your-LIFE-your-BODY-and-your-RELATIONSHIP-to-bring-forth-a-human-being kind of thing.

That means you GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! If your job will not cover insurance, and you can’t afford to buy some, it is not right to make the taxpayer pick up the tab just because you have baby fever.

Seriously though, who tries to have a baby and plans on WELFARE?! Stupid people these days.

PS I hope the right person reads this.

Sam

I thought of you today, no different from any other day, but different all the same.

I was reading your mom’s blog and bawling my eyes out. It’s so not fair that you were taken so soon. You were such a beauty queen and BRAT! But I loved you like a sister. Everyday I wonder why you were chosen to go home to Jesus before we were ready. I get sad when I think of all the things you’ll never get to do. I got a picture of Priscilla on prom night and I thought of why you weren’t there. I am (hopefully) going to see her walk across the stage, with her Stingarettes and Cosmetology ropes knowing you should be wearing the same.  You had such a promising life ahead of you and because someone wanted to have a “good time” you’re not going to live it. I wear your shirts all the time. When I go to church, when I work out, to sleep, to run errands… I want people to see it and think twice. I miss you so much, Sam.

Sam, I know you’re holding my precious baby. I love you both and miss you both everyday. I know you’re both beautiful angels and you’re dancing with Jesus. I know you’re both in a better place than we have ever known. Just don’t forget about us, we’ll never forget you.

I wish I had told you how much you meant to me while you were here.

Poem?

Such an unlikely pair

that has beat the odds and has proven so many wrong

until something they fought in the first years

became the very thing they wanted so much

The love and kindness has always been there

the want and the need flourished

and with the disappointment

came the heartache and the sadness

month after month they fought over what seemed endless

day after day they took out their anger on eachother

Until the day their dreams came true

the life they always wanted was finally coming to light

they celebrated, they shared with the world

they both prepared in every way they could

Just as suddenly as it began, it ended

their world crashed down all around them

their pain was no longer hidden

dealing with the loss of their child is hard

but they’re doing it together.

they’re learning they need each other

no one else in their lives matter

All the people who were so mean and hateful

All the people who weren’t happy for them

All the people who don’t understand

They know they only need eachother

They know they will not let anything stop them from achieving their dream

Nothing is more important to either of them

Not a job, not person, not a place

They learned they were all they had

Even if it was the hard way

So they continue on their journey

They will get their dream

And one day in the future

They vow to see their  angel in heaven.

It’s so not fair…

I was cleaning today and about had a mental breakdown. I thought I was ok. I knew I was still sad, but it hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where; I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant but you know who is?

  • A drug addict.
  • A child abuser.
  • A neglectful woman.
  • A teenager.
  • A woman with 4 kids already.
  • A girl who doesn’t want kids.
  • A girl who’s contemplating abortion.
  • A woman who’s using it as a bargaining chip.
  • A woman who was about to leave her husband.
  • A woman who’s slept with 5 people beforehand.

Why does that even make sense?! Why is that in any way fair? So by all logic, I should do everything wrong in order to get what I want. It should be hard for them, not me! You know what I pictured this morning? God passing out babies to all the women who don’t want one or shouldn’t have one and somehow I got mixed in. 4 weeks pass and he realized the mistake and took mine. That’s how I feel. Like he took mine back! I’m just so upset by everything. What am I doing wrong? Why am I failing as a woman?

I think…

Maybe that’s the problem, I think too much. I have been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years. My birth plan, my parenting plan and my family plan is something I have put a lot of thought into for a long time. I am not judging anyone. If I have an opinion on something, that doesn’t mean I hate you for choosing the opposite. I know that a lot of the things I am passionate about are hot button issues. It’s why I’m passionate about them. If there is something that other people are all about, you can’t oppose it half-heartedly. No one will ever take you seriously.

I am glad that I can have conversations with my BBC girls and never have to worry about being judged. I also know that not everyone is going to be like them. None of us take it personally when someone opposes our views, and if someone disagrees with our decisions, we don’t hold it against them. All of those girls are all over the spectrum. Some circed, some didn’t. Some breastfed, some bottle fed. Induced, not induced. Natural, drugged. But not one of us would ever believe we look down on them. Because we don’t.

So if ever you’re reading my blog with my opinions and you get offended at something I say, take a step back and remember that I didn’t post that to pick on you. I am not saying that anyone who does the things I don’t like are any less of a person/woman/parent. I’m saying I have a different opinion than you. I’m saying I like to get all the facts and make an informed decision. If in the end my informed decision is that thing I was so against, so be it.

One last thing. I personally don’t like when people remind me that I haven’t given birth. Maybe right now the wound is too fresh. In my opinion telling a girl who just lost her baby within the last month that she doesn’t get it because she’s not a parent/hasn’t given birth/just doesn’t know, is kind of rude. Thank you for reminding me that I’m the biggest failure at the simplest female role.

My Emotions

Part 1

Part 2

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