“But he just doesn’t get it!”

Over the past few days I’ve seen things like this on my TTC boards:

“In his mind its just as mentally tough on him as at it me, nope!”

“But, how do I tell him that he can’t possibly understand how I feel having to actually, physically, go through with this TTC process?!”

You can absolutely be wrong about this. I hate when women act like they’re all alone in this journey. You’re not! Your husband has been there, and even though he may say stupid things “why do I have to quit drinking, people get pregnant while their drunk all the time!” (actual words) and he may not react to bad news like us, he’s been there. Do you actually believe someone who is supposed to be your best friend isn’t feeling the pain and pressure of ttc?

He’s been there for the repeat negative HPTs. So his response was “well maybe next time,” so what? He’s a MAN he doesn’t express himself like we do. You can’t expect him to get upset every month.

He’s been there for the miscarriages. So he didn’t cry, get over it! He’s not going to cry about everything. Even losing a baby. He’s been brought up to bury everything. It may not be in the front of his mind like it is for you, but he misses that baby just as much as you do. Case in point, I wanted to throw away the baby book I bought for our last pregnancy today. Juan didn’t let me. You think that’s a man who doesn’t care? He doesn’t cry about it like I do, but when he does open up about it, I can feel the pain he’s been hiding.

He’s been there for the testing. So he’s only gotten an SA and blood test while you gave a million vials of blood and had a painful HSG. To him, that SA was just as bad as your HSG. It’s a shot at his virility, his ego, that’s painful for a man. Something that needs to be realized is that no man wants to be told his swimmers aren’t working. You think the anxiety didn’t get to him beforehand? You think he didn’t hold his breath until the results came in?

He’s been there for the drugs. He doesn’t get drugs, fine. I’ll give you that. But really, he is there for you.

He’s been there for the scheduled sex. No man can say that he enjoys being told when and where to make love to his wife. He is being asked to perform like a trained monkey and you think he hasn’t noticed? He has, and the one thing that has brought him joy since he found out it’s use, is no longer fun. You think timed intercourse is good for your bond?

Give the man a chance. You can’t go through this believing you’re doing so much more than him. That’s the stuff that will weaken your bond. That’s why TTC is hard on a marriage. This isn’t a contest of who’s doing more, who’s hurting more. You’re in this TOGETHER. My advice to you: destress. Go somewhere with your husband to remind EACHOTHER, that you made a covenant to eachother.

You didn’t make a vow to have babies. You did, however, make a vow to take eachother for better or for worse. We should all remember that part of our vows before we allow ourselves to believe that a baby is more important than the state of our marriage.

For me, it took finding my savior to realize that the man that I’ve vowed to spend my life with was slowly becoming my scapegoat. He was the one I turned on if I got another negative test. It wasn’t fair to him, it wasn’t fair to us. I’ve learned to leave it up to God, to just get back to basics with my husband. I’ve damaged our marriage for far too long and I regret letting it go this long.

BIG FAT NEGATIVE!

Well yesterday was hard. It should have been my 8 week mark and I would have had an appointment soon for an ultrasound. Oh man. But I have to force myself to move forward. Even when it’s hard. I’m always going to remember the initial excitement of being pregnant, but the naivety and innocence is gone. I will always be scared to lose the next ones. But good news is today I got a negative pregnancy test! YAY!

In case you’ve never experienced a miscarriage, your hcg hormone stays in your system after a pregnancy for a short while as it’s breaking down. So I’ve been taking pregnancy tests (dollar tree or http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com are the cheapies) every few days and have been getting faint, FAINT positives. Well, progressively fainter. Then this morning, negative! Which is a good sign, it means that my miscarriage is complete. I have to make an appointment with OB/Gyn, they’ll run the blood work to make sure my numbers go to zero. HPT’s only measure a pregnancy level of hcg, most measure 50 mcg or more (even first response), the early ones I have (from that website) measure from 20. Since pregnancy level is 15, I’m probably good. 🙂

Well, the appointment people have to call me back for an appointment now. I’m hoping it’s in the next couple of days, but if it’s not, I’ll go to the branch clinic to get my bloodwork. Not exactly the appointments I was looking forward to at this time. Ah well…

So I am ready to get new orders! I have been released from my old orders and will get new ones “later” they said to check back in the morning, but I probably won’t get anything until next week when the new reqs come out. Fingers crossed for a small-boy!

OH MY GAWD!!!

I was shaking all morning. I’m still a little shocked…

I’m talking about the BFP I got this morning! I know, I’m floored! All I know is I had a whim. I was going to wait until tomorrow to test. But when I woke up this morning, the mess that was falling out of the closet had a pregnancy test poking out of it… Well I got these in bulk a long time ago and this one was definitely expired by a month. I tried it anyway. I took one of my little paper cups and did my business. I dipped it in and as soon as I laid it down, both lines appeared right away!

BFP!!

Since it was so fast, I walked out of the bathroom and checked the website for the strips to be sure 2 lines was a positive. (Yea I know, silly me!) As soon as I saw that, I went back in and it was DAAARRRKKK! I snatched it up and went upstairs. I woke up Juan and showed it to him. I was SHAKING! He hugged me and we cried just a little bit 🙂 Then I told him that it was expired so I’d need a new one. He jumped out of bed and went to get a new one. I had to do some pee pee dancing and drink a bunch of water but I eventually had enough to dip the new one in. Same thing, I laid it down and it was an immediate positive! After 3 minutes, definitely a dark positive!

I’m so excited! Our little bean’s EDD is October 13, 2010! Birthday present for me!