“But he just doesn’t get it!”

Over the past few days I’ve seen things like this on my TTC boards:

“In his mind its just as mentally tough on him as at it me, nope!”

“But, how do I tell him that he can’t possibly understand how I feel having to actually, physically, go through with this TTC process?!”

You can absolutely be wrong about this. I hate when women act like they’re all alone in this journey. You’re not! Your husband has been there, and even though he may say stupid things “why do I have to quit drinking, people get pregnant while their drunk all the time!” (actual words) and he may not react to bad news like us, he’s been there. Do you actually believe someone who is supposed to be your best friend isn’t feeling the pain and pressure of ttc?

He’s been there for the repeat negative HPTs. So his response was “well maybe next time,” so what? He’s a MAN he doesn’t express himself like we do. You can’t expect him to get upset every month.

He’s been there for the miscarriages. So he didn’t cry, get over it! He’s not going to cry about everything. Even losing a baby. He’s been brought up to bury everything. It may not be in the front of his mind like it is for you, but he misses that baby just as much as you do. Case in point, I wanted to throw away the baby book I bought for our last pregnancy today. Juan didn’t let me. You think that’s a man who doesn’t care? He doesn’t cry about it like I do, but when he does open up about it, I can feel the pain he’s been hiding.

He’s been there for the testing. So he’s only gotten an SA and blood test while you gave a million vials of blood and had a painful HSG. To him, that SA was just as bad as your HSG. It’s a shot at his virility, his ego, that’s painful for a man. Something that needs to be realized is that no man wants to be told his swimmers aren’t working. You think the anxiety didn’t get to him beforehand? You think he didn’t hold his breath until the results came in?

He’s been there for the drugs. He doesn’t get drugs, fine. I’ll give you that. But really, he is there for you.

He’s been there for the scheduled sex. No man can say that he enjoys being told when and where to make love to his wife. He is being asked to perform like a trained monkey and you think he hasn’t noticed? He has, and the one thing that has brought him joy since he found out it’s use, is no longer fun. You think timed intercourse is good for your bond?

Give the man a chance. You can’t go through this believing you’re doing so much more than him. That’s the stuff that will weaken your bond. That’s why TTC is hard on a marriage. This isn’t a contest of who’s doing more, who’s hurting more. You’re in this TOGETHER. My advice to you: destress. Go somewhere with your husband to remind EACHOTHER, that you made a covenant to eachother.

You didn’t make a vow to have babies. You did, however, make a vow to take eachother for better or for worse. We should all remember that part of our vows before we allow ourselves to believe that a baby is more important than the state of our marriage.

For me, it took finding my savior to realize that the man that I’ve vowed to spend my life with was slowly becoming my scapegoat. He was the one I turned on if I got another negative test. It wasn’t fair to him, it wasn’t fair to us. I’ve learned to leave it up to God, to just get back to basics with my husband. I’ve damaged our marriage for far too long and I regret letting it go this long.

6 weeks 2 days

I called the clinic this morning, and my numbers are up! They aren’t up by much but I’m going to make an ultrasound appointment to confirm that everything is ok. ­čÖé I’m so happy! Me and Juan walked around the baby section in Target and found some cute stuff. We were going to only register at BRU, but I might rethink that. Oh and get this, he’s actually talking ME into regular cloth diapers. He said he’d rather wash the diapers than have to rip, drop and swish. LOL. Either way, I want something that will leave the smallest carbon footprint possible, so if he wants to go cloth, maybe he’ll wash the diapers…. ­čÖé

6 weeks 1 day

UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

So after my adventures with medical, I went back this morning to hear the all clear. The doc tells me that she checked my results from the ER and her orders and in 12 hours, my hcg levels had dropped. 3942 to 31ish. WHY WOULD YOU WAIT 2 DAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THIS?! She said it could just be a lab error and ordered another HCG beta. So now I’m waiting. Again. I’m just worried that the numbers will go down again and they’re going to give me the talk. I’m still going to ask for an ultrasound because I was reading online about a bunch of women who were told to get a d&c and they waited only to find out their levels dropped only to rise again and they had a healthy baby growing. I know, it’s a long shot, but so was me getting pregnant to begin with. I just can’t take the waiting! It’s causing me to go a little bit crazy and I know I just need to stay calm and wait until tomorrow. *slow breaths* I just hate being this anxious.

6 weeks!

Yay, time for a belly pic!

I’m still having a tiny bit of bleeding but I’m keeping track to show medical tomorrow. Gah, I just wish this could be easier for me. ­čśŽ So many people get what they want (or don’t want) and me and Juan have to deal with one thing after another. When my little pumpkin seed gets here, it will all be worth it.

Week 5 day 6 still scared

Been laying down as much as possible. BUT, I’m still getting some blood when I wipe. I’m writing it all down for my follow up on Thursday. I hate this. I know that some people have had this and it should go away but I’m terrified!

Week 5 day 6… ER Scare

TMI ALERT!!TMI ALERT!!TMI ALERT!!TMI ALERT!!TMI ALERT!!

TMI ALERT!!TMI ALERT!!TMI ALERT!!TMI ALERT!!TMI ALERT!!

Just got home from the ER after 11 hours.

I went to the bathroom and there was a LOT of bright red blood. I didn’t have any cramping so I didn’t panic. I just put on a panty liner and lay down. I got up and wiped again, just a little bit that time. So I lay down for about 30 more minutes and had to pee. When I pulled down my underwear there was a LOT of dark red blood and some clots. I told Juan to get me the number to Balboa Hospital and told them what was happening. They said to come in.

After a tear-filled ride to the emergency room and what felt like an eternity. I waited for about 4 hours in the waiting room before I got blood drawn. Right before that Juan had to go to work, rather I made him go to work. We have a baby on the way and he can’t miss any work. I called Stacey to come sit with me and she did (You’re the best ever!) I got into a bed waited another 2 hours for the bed side ultrasound. They couldn’t find the yolk sac in the gestational sac, the doc thought that was ok. Well another doc told her it wasn’t so they ordered a formal ultrasound. After another hour and a half, and an oh so fun ride on my gurney, they told me I have a subchorionic hematoma. The [resident] OBGYN said there is a chance that I could still miscarry, but I found some info on the internet. ­čÖé

  • There is no known cause for an SCH but many researchers speculate that during egg implantation, the egg slightly separates or tears from the uterus causing a bleed. There is nothing a woman did or could have done to cause or prevent them.
  • Most clots resolve on their own by 20 weeks of pregnancy. The clot either bleeds itself out or the body absorbs it.
  • SCH is a risk early in pregnancy because the clot itself can cause a miscarriage. The clot can release completely from the uterus and cause the fetus and placenta to miscarry.
  • The incidence of subchorionic hemorrhage (subchorionic hematoma) is 1.3% of all pregnancies. In pregnant patients with first-trimester vaginal bleeding, the incidence increases to almost 20%.
  • A spontaneous abortion rate of 9.3% in patients with first-trimester vaginal bleeding who had a live fetus and subchorionic hematoma.

I had to follow up with sick call this morning (that makes perfect sense “We need you on bed rest, but we need you to walk alot before we’ll give it to you.”) but sick call actually surprised me. My paperwork was taken straight back, they gave me more bed rest than the ER wanted me to have (they only wanted one day, S/c gave me 2) then they ordered the right blood test (ER didn’t even check). I was on and off the base in less than an hour.

So now, I’m on my couch. I have my puppies at my feet, my lap top and the remote to the TV. My little area of the house until Thursday when I follow up. The little pumpkin seed is ok, and as long as I’m super careful, it should stay that way. ­čÖé

Pregnancy Blog 5 weeks 1 day

Alright, so since I lurve talking about being pregnant, I’m turning this into my pregnancy blog! Yay! So be ready to read anything and everything I’m thinking about. Worries, joys, and all the nitty gritty. ­čśŤ

So I checked out of my ship today and checked into TPU. It was sort of bittersweet. I got the ‘I’m disappointed in you’ thing from my boss. I mean I get where they’re all coming from, our division is already tiny and overloaded with work. But you can’t tell God you want a baby and say ‘oh but not right now.’ I just hate that they’re even voicing it. I dunno. I guess I want to be naive and think everyone is happy for me. Is that so wrong? Just wanting everyone to be happy for you after 3 1/2 years of sadness and ACTUAL disappointment? ┬áGah. Maybe I should explain what trying to┬áconceive┬áhas meant for me.

  • Last days of last cycle: Negative pregnancy tests. Disappointing every time, that never gets easy when it’s what you want. I usually ended up┬áover analyzing negative tests trying to see a line where there isn’t. Holding it up to the light and even going outside to hold it up to the sun.
  • Cycle day 1: Period starts, it’s never regular so I’m always upset. Time to start planning for the next month. I usually lash out at Juan because I feel like there is something we could have done different.
  • CD 3: First Response Fertility test. Pee in a cup, dip, wait for result. So starts the regiment for the month. This test lets me know I have the ovarian reserve to even attempt for the month. Some months it’s negative.
  • CD 5: Start temping. Every morning at 5am, whether I need to get up or not, I have to wake up to take my┬átemperature┬áwith a basal body temperature┬áthermometer. (It’s oral ya nasty!) It sucks when you don’t have to be up that morning… Then I have to put it into my temping software to see when I ovulate.
  • CD 6: Start ovulation sticks (yay) . Pee in a cup, dip, wait for result. Whenever the second line is darker than the control line, it is the best time to start doing it. We usually start every other day on CD 7, no matter the result. Everyday when I get a positive, then every other day until day 24. But everyday, I add that to the software so it can cross check itself.
  • Day Past Ovulation 1 (around CD 14): So begins the “2 week wait” I have to abstain from drinking and smoking at this point to make sure I don’t harm anything that’s starting to cook. I don’t completely, but I definitely cut back. This is the point that I start hyping up the “what if this is it!”
  • DPO 11 (around CD 25): Period should show up soon, I start to get anxious. I’ll usually start testing with my ‘cheapies.’ ┬áPee in a cup, dip, wait for result.┬áNegative, of course. I vow not to test again for at least 3 days.
  • DPO 12: I test again. Pee in a cup, dip, wait for result.┬áNegative…
  • DPO 15: Period starts, I cry, get mad and throw things. Sigh. Time to start over…

This is a typical cycle. Every cycle. For 3 1/2 years. So you might see why it’s a little bit of a jab in my side to hear anyone even entertaining the idea of being ‘disappointed’ that I got pregnant.

Now let me clarify one more thing. This was not the last 3 cycles. I stopped this about 4 months ago because the hubby and I needed to work on us. So Yes, I was still NOT on birth control, but we weren’t following this anymore. We got a new puppy and she was supposed to be my ‘baby’ for a while. But hey, shit happens. Fortunately for us, this baby is still very much wanted no matter when we stopped the crazy stuff. We’re so happy to be blessed. ­čÖé

So that was my journey. But luckily for me, on CD 33 of this last cycle, I was cleaning and a cheapie was poking out of the box I threw them in to put them out of sight… It was expired but I tried anyway and the result is my pumpkin seed. ┬áYAY! I can’t wait to meet the bubble! ­čÖé