Sam

I thought of you today, no different from any other day, but different all the same.

I was reading your mom’s blog and bawling my eyes out. It’s so not fair that you were taken so soon. You were such a beauty queen and BRAT! But I loved you like a sister. Everyday I wonder why you were chosen to go home to Jesus before we were ready. I get sad when I think of all the things you’ll never get to do. I got a picture of Priscilla on prom night and I thought of why you weren’t there. I am (hopefully) going to see her walk across the stage, with her Stingarettes and Cosmetology ropes knowing you should be wearing the same.  You had such a promising life ahead of you and because someone wanted to have a “good time” you’re not going to live it. I wear your shirts all the time. When I go to church, when I work out, to sleep, to run errands… I want people to see it and think twice. I miss you so much, Sam.

Sam, I know you’re holding my precious baby. I love you both and miss you both everyday. I know you’re both beautiful angels and you’re dancing with Jesus. I know you’re both in a better place than we have ever known. Just don’t forget about us, we’ll never forget you.

I wish I had told you how much you meant to me while you were here.

Poem?

Such an unlikely pair

that has beat the odds and has proven so many wrong

until something they fought in the first years

became the very thing they wanted so much

The love and kindness has always been there

the want and the need flourished

and with the disappointment

came the heartache and the sadness

month after month they fought over what seemed endless

day after day they took out their anger on eachother

Until the day their dreams came true

the life they always wanted was finally coming to light

they celebrated, they shared with the world

they both prepared in every way they could

Just as suddenly as it began, it ended

their world crashed down all around them

their pain was no longer hidden

dealing with the loss of their child is hard

but they’re doing it together.

they’re learning they need each other

no one else in their lives matter

All the people who were so mean and hateful

All the people who weren’t happy for them

All the people who don’t understand

They know they only need eachother

They know they will not let anything stop them from achieving their dream

Nothing is more important to either of them

Not a job, not person, not a place

They learned they were all they had

Even if it was the hard way

So they continue on their journey

They will get their dream

And one day in the future

They vow to see their  angel in heaven.

It’s so not fair…

I was cleaning today and about had a mental breakdown. I thought I was ok. I knew I was still sad, but it hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where; I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant but you know who is?

  • A drug addict.
  • A child abuser.
  • A neglectful woman.
  • A teenager.
  • A woman with 4 kids already.
  • A girl who doesn’t want kids.
  • A girl who’s contemplating abortion.
  • A woman who’s using it as a bargaining chip.
  • A woman who was about to leave her husband.
  • A woman who’s slept with 5 people beforehand.

Why does that even make sense?! Why is that in any way fair? So by all logic, I should do everything wrong in order to get what I want. It should be hard for them, not me! You know what I pictured this morning? God passing out babies to all the women who don’t want one or shouldn’t have one and somehow I got mixed in. 4 weeks pass and he realized the mistake and took mine. That’s how I feel. Like he took mine back! I’m just so upset by everything. What am I doing wrong? Why am I failing as a woman?

I think…

Maybe that’s the problem, I think too much. I have been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years. My birth plan, my parenting plan and my family plan is something I have put a lot of thought into for a long time. I am not judging anyone. If I have an opinion on something, that doesn’t mean I hate you for choosing the opposite. I know that a lot of the things I am passionate about are hot button issues. It’s why I’m passionate about them. If there is something that other people are all about, you can’t oppose it half-heartedly. No one will ever take you seriously.

I am glad that I can have conversations with my BBC girls and never have to worry about being judged. I also know that not everyone is going to be like them. None of us take it personally when someone opposes our views, and if someone disagrees with our decisions, we don’t hold it against them. All of those girls are all over the spectrum. Some circed, some didn’t. Some breastfed, some bottle fed. Induced, not induced. Natural, drugged. But not one of us would ever believe we look down on them. Because we don’t.

So if ever you’re reading my blog with my opinions and you get offended at something I say, take a step back and remember that I didn’t post that to pick on you. I am not saying that anyone who does the things I don’t like are any less of a person/woman/parent. I’m saying I have a different opinion than you. I’m saying I like to get all the facts and make an informed decision. If in the end my informed decision is that thing I was so against, so be it.

One last thing. I personally don’t like when people remind me that I haven’t given birth. Maybe right now the wound is too fresh. In my opinion telling a girl who just lost her baby within the last month that she doesn’t get it because she’s not a parent/hasn’t given birth/just doesn’t know, is kind of rude. Thank you for reminding me that I’m the biggest failure at the simplest female role.

My Emotions

Part 1

Part 2

Lost

After only knowing I was pregnant for 12 days, I lost my little pumpkin seed. Right now I’m just numb. I don’t feel anything but will spontaneously cry. My poor husband doesn’t know what to do or say. I wish I could tell him what he could do to make it better but the truth is I don’t know what could make it better. I never thought that I could love something so much after only 12 days. The last 5 days have been an emotional roller-coaster that I thought would all be worth it in the end. But obviously it wasn’t. I just know that all I’ve ever wanted was a family. I know it will eventually happen, but when? It just isn’t fair, ya know? Why is it that people who don’t want kids, or can’t handle them, have kids? Why are they more worthy than I? It doesn’t make sense! And why do some women have to have such a hard time getting pregnant and others just stop using birth control and POOF! What about the ones whose BC fails them. THEY DIDN’T EVEN WANT A KID! Why? I know that God has a plan and everything in his time and all those other cliches that everyone tries to tell me. I just want to know WHY.

Trying again– We’re not exactly sure when we’ll start again. I know it’s not going to be long, but we are going to give ourselves some time. We both know that miscarriage is part of the trying process. We know that this loss hurts but we can’t be scared to try again.

If you’ve been trying to call, I’m sorry but we’re not answering the phones. We’re just going to be together today.