Updates

So yesterday I took the dogs to dog beach. Bad idea. LOL, I should only take one dog anywhere at a time. Bubba doesn’t listen to me and Roxy is still pretty unpredictable. If I am not holding her, she tries to get other people to pick her up. But I need her to learn to be a dog not a baby. BLAH.

In other news, I’m back to researching some more things that I want to implement in my parenting plans. I was already pro-attachment parenting, but I’m finding some really good information! Like how unlike animals we don’t stay pregnant until our baby is ready for the world. Ever see a giraffe come out and be helpless? Nope. A lot of it makes perfect sense. I’m just hoping that when Juan and I follow through with our parenting plan, we don’t have to deal with too many people trying to make us do it their way.

Gotta update the blog. So I’m backdating it a couple days. Just an FYI, I’m taking a multi-vitamin and basically treating my body as if I’m already pregnant. Except for the once in a blue moon drinking. But I only drink before O. 🙂

Cycle day: 3 (3/27)
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 97.27
CM: AF/medium-heavy
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No
Notes: none

Cycle day: 2 (3/26)
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 97.27
CM: AF/low-medium
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No
Notes: Not a full nights sleep

Cycle day: 4 (3/28)
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 97.20
CM: AF/light
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No
Notes: none

So now you know. 🙂

Back To School

The school of TTC that is. Bleh. Ah well here goes.

Cycle day: 1
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 96.93
CM: AF/light
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No.

If you have the link to my FF chart, it’s updated with today’s info. 🙂

Poem?

Such an unlikely pair

that has beat the odds and has proven so many wrong

until something they fought in the first years

became the very thing they wanted so much

The love and kindness has always been there

the want and the need flourished

and with the disappointment

came the heartache and the sadness

month after month they fought over what seemed endless

day after day they took out their anger on eachother

Until the day their dreams came true

the life they always wanted was finally coming to light

they celebrated, they shared with the world

they both prepared in every way they could

Just as suddenly as it began, it ended

their world crashed down all around them

their pain was no longer hidden

dealing with the loss of their child is hard

but they’re doing it together.

they’re learning they need each other

no one else in their lives matter

All the people who were so mean and hateful

All the people who weren’t happy for them

All the people who don’t understand

They know they only need eachother

They know they will not let anything stop them from achieving their dream

Nothing is more important to either of them

Not a job, not person, not a place

They learned they were all they had

Even if it was the hard way

So they continue on their journey

They will get their dream

And one day in the future

They vow to see their  angel in heaven.

7 years

Today marks seven years with my husband. Not 7 years married, just 7 years together. It’s amazing how two people can change so much. We have literally grown up together. Everytime he’s there for me, I’m thankful to have him in my life. He was so strong during the miscarriage even though I know he was just as much a mess as me. We are both so proud and have our super stubborn days, but we make it. I would never say we’re perfect. We aren’t. We have our screaming matches and our crazy person moments, but we always make up for it. I’m so happy to have him in my life. I hope one day soon, we can share our love with each other with a child of our own. 🙂

I think…

Maybe that’s the problem, I think too much. I have been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years. My birth plan, my parenting plan and my family plan is something I have put a lot of thought into for a long time. I am not judging anyone. If I have an opinion on something, that doesn’t mean I hate you for choosing the opposite. I know that a lot of the things I am passionate about are hot button issues. It’s why I’m passionate about them. If there is something that other people are all about, you can’t oppose it half-heartedly. No one will ever take you seriously.

I am glad that I can have conversations with my BBC girls and never have to worry about being judged. I also know that not everyone is going to be like them. None of us take it personally when someone opposes our views, and if someone disagrees with our decisions, we don’t hold it against them. All of those girls are all over the spectrum. Some circed, some didn’t. Some breastfed, some bottle fed. Induced, not induced. Natural, drugged. But not one of us would ever believe we look down on them. Because we don’t.

So if ever you’re reading my blog with my opinions and you get offended at something I say, take a step back and remember that I didn’t post that to pick on you. I am not saying that anyone who does the things I don’t like are any less of a person/woman/parent. I’m saying I have a different opinion than you. I’m saying I like to get all the facts and make an informed decision. If in the end my informed decision is that thing I was so against, so be it.

One last thing. I personally don’t like when people remind me that I haven’t given birth. Maybe right now the wound is too fresh. In my opinion telling a girl who just lost her baby within the last month that she doesn’t get it because she’s not a parent/hasn’t given birth/just doesn’t know, is kind of rude. Thank you for reminding me that I’m the biggest failure at the simplest female role.

BIG FAT NEGATIVE!

Well yesterday was hard. It should have been my 8 week mark and I would have had an appointment soon for an ultrasound. Oh man. But I have to force myself to move forward. Even when it’s hard. I’m always going to remember the initial excitement of being pregnant, but the naivety and innocence is gone. I will always be scared to lose the next ones. But good news is today I got a negative pregnancy test! YAY!

In case you’ve never experienced a miscarriage, your hcg hormone stays in your system after a pregnancy for a short while as it’s breaking down. So I’ve been taking pregnancy tests (dollar tree or http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com are the cheapies) every few days and have been getting faint, FAINT positives. Well, progressively fainter. Then this morning, negative! Which is a good sign, it means that my miscarriage is complete. I have to make an appointment with OB/Gyn, they’ll run the blood work to make sure my numbers go to zero. HPT’s only measure a pregnancy level of hcg, most measure 50 mcg or more (even first response), the early ones I have (from that website) measure from 20. Since pregnancy level is 15, I’m probably good. 🙂

Well, the appointment people have to call me back for an appointment now. I’m hoping it’s in the next couple of days, but if it’s not, I’ll go to the branch clinic to get my bloodwork. Not exactly the appointments I was looking forward to at this time. Ah well…

So I am ready to get new orders! I have been released from my old orders and will get new ones “later” they said to check back in the morning, but I probably won’t get anything until next week when the new reqs come out. Fingers crossed for a small-boy!

Erm…

The rest of the last post was an angry, angry, rant. I took it down out of respect of the person it was directed at. While I will never apologize for being pregnant or wanting a family, I am apologizing for lashing out. My anger is displaced. I know half the people I am angry with will really never know what I’m feeling. To think they should, to think they ever could, is unrealistic. I know this, a lot of people know this. These past 10 days have been crazy and unrelenting. There are days were I cry for hours at a time others when I just wanna dance. There are days where I do nothing but eat and others when I can’t eat at all. There are days when I wish everyone would call me and days where I want to stay in bed and disconnect my phone. My emotions are all I have some days, if they get misdirected I’m sorry. I’ve said it before, being alone in this house with no one here to turn to, my head and heart do a number on me. I’m going to close this with rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, YAY GOD!

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