Insanity?

Well. I tend to change my mind. A lot. Sometimes it all works out and it’s no big deal but others it has the potential for being disastrous. Right now I’m going back and forth on what I want to go to school for. The truth is it isn’t an easy decision. I have three options I’m weighing right now. Each one has it’s pros and cons so I’m going to try to convey all the details.

Electrical Engineering
Pretty self explanatory, I’d use the degree to be an electrical engineer.
Pros: Really good chance of getting a big salary. With my background in the navy I could more than likely be picky about the jobs I take. The schooling I got in the military translates over to quite a few college credits towards this degree. We would definitely be okay for money.
Cons: I’m probably looking at a big commitment to working hours. My goal when deciding to get out of the military is to spend more time with my family. I don’t think my pay could justify the time I’d spend away. Also, I’m just not that great at working with electronics. I’ve never been able to retain anything I’ve learned and it leaves me feeling like an idiot. I don’t think that’s just going to change. I just don’t see me loving this career and feeling like I’m doing what I love.

Music
I’d use the degree and teaching credentials to be a music teacher.
Pros: I can definitely see me loving this career path. I absolutely love music and I love to teach. Bonus: summers off!
Cons: the salary. I know teachers aren’t broke. But they’re still not paid as much as they’re worth and it’s a damn shame. I want to make sure that no matter what I can take care of us. Just in case things don’t always go the way they should with Juan’s job opportunities.

Business Management
I’d use the degree to open my own business centered around pregnancy and babies.
Pros: The current plan is for me to teach the Bradley method while I’m in school anyway. I am so passionate about natural childbirth and I talk to anyone who will listen about the benefits. I figured it would be a great way to get paid to do this. The business would more than likely be a store that sells natural parenting stuff. Cloth diapers, breast feeding supplies, homebirth supplies etc. I’d offer classes and workshops too. I think that it could really be a success if I play my cards right. I could be doing something I love and possibly be a big success! On top of that I’d be able to make my own hours and that means time for family.
Cons: it’s really risky. The chance of it flopping is high but the chance for it to be a huge hit is high too! I know he potential for income but it’s just potential. I do know there is only a few cloth diaper stores in the Houston area but I don’t know if it’s because no one has tried or if it’s because they all failed.

So you see my dilemma. Take a risk to do something that would make me so happy? Or take the safe routes and choose money or happiness? It’s such a difficult decision.

Now I’d like you to weigh in. What would you do in my situation?

Less than 15 weeks?!

OMG, I don’t know why this didn’t hit me yesterday when I posted… I have less than 15 weeks until my due date. I am literally tearing up just thinking about how close to holding my little baby I am. To want something for so long and go through so much to get there, I can’t believe it’s so SOON! If you had told me September 2006 that I wasn’t going to get pregnant for FOUR years, I would have laughed in your face. No way was it going to take that long. Who tries for that long anyway?! Well now I can say, me. I did. I wanted my baby for four freaking years before I finally conceived. It feels so good to know I have so little time left. It’s definitely a surreal feeling. I’m actually going to be a mommy. And Pancho’s going to be a DADDY! Great, now I’m crying again. LOL. I am so flipping happy about it.

At about 10 weeks Pancho found me curled up in bed crying. He came in and asked me what was wrong and I just said nothing through the heaving (yea, that kind of crying.) Obviously I was lying and he knew it so he kept on. Then it poured out like word vomit “I’m fat, my back hurts, my legs hurt, nothing tastes good, I’ve got a headache, a stomachache and diarreah!” He kind of laughed and said there’s nothing to cry about and why didn’t I tell him sooner? “Because I’ve been wanting this for so long and I didn’t want to be the girl who wants so badly to be pregnant and complains the whole time.”  I did mean it though. I had told myself from day one, that when I finally get pregnant, I’m determined to not complain even if it’s the worst pregnancy in the history of [full term] pregnancies. I just didn’t want to look my gift horse in the mouth.

So that’s my blurb for today. LOL. If you ever wonder why I just don’t complain, or why I’m so insanely over the moon about being pregnant,  that’s why. My baby is my miracle, my blessing and already my everything. I can’t complain. I AM just that happy!

Week 25 Check in

I was supposed to have my video blog up by now. BUT for some reason, no camera wants to cooperate. 😦 Oh well. This will have to do.

Nothing too exciting is happening. I did have a scare a couple weeks ago. Not a scare, persay but definitely something that had me in a panic. As most know, I’m going to a birth center and not a hospital. Well, in order to stay there, I need to be completely low risk. Any rise in risk could be cause for them to drop care and not see me. My anatomy scan showed a bright spot on the heart. This is usually no big deal, but it could mean downs syndrome. I wasn’t worried about the downs part. My blood work showed no significant risk so if the baby does have it, it’s mild. I was worried the midwives would see that as a high risk. And they did, for the most part. I was instructed to get a Level 2 ultrasound just to be sure, but the cost was too much. So I had to bite the bullet and tell the midwives it was up to them to continue care. Luckily, the head midwife brought it up in their weekly meeting. They all decided they would continue care! YAY! So no ultrasound necessary. Woot! I do NOT want to go to a hospital. *Shudder*

The baby is really moving around. Yesterday I felt him/her turn over. SO COOL! I still feel like my belly isn’t that big, until I take a picture. HA! I was going to post a few pictures of my tummy but the computer isn’t cooperating… I suck at technology! I have been updating the registry too. I went in to Babies R Us and actually played with the carseats, strollers and high chairs. I wanted to be sure I could operate them easily and they were all they’re cracked up to be. I have also been doing a lot of comparison shopping to make sure I’m making a good choice. Boy, I didn’t think this part would be so much work! But I’ve got my picks now, so that’s good. I’m really itching to buy stuff but I’ve been told not to. 😦 Not fair. LOL.

We are still totally stumped on a middle name for our boy. I’m not sharing the name until it’s for sure, but oh em gee. Me and Pancho can’t pick anything to save our LIVES! The girl name has been pretty firm for a while, plus, no one will ever question using my grandmothers’ names. LOL. But until we have a solid carved in ice (because it can always be melted!) name, we’re not sharing. Unless you call Pancho on a drunk night. Ugh. That kid. LOL.

I will try to check in more often. Especially since so many read this and don’t always call. LOL. OH BTW, If you live in the Texas City Area and you haven’t sent me your address I need it ASAP. My mom is printing the invites and should be mailing them out soon. 🙂

FLUFFY MAIIIIIILLLLLL!!

So as most of you know, we decided we’re going to use cloth diapers. I’m slowly trying to replace our regular items with things that are more earth friendly. But that’s another blog. For today I’m gonna share my stash so far. Our original plan was to use Bum Genius 4.0 One Size Pocket Diapers. A cloth diapering friend pointed out that I may not be able to use them the first few weeks depending on the size of my little bugger. So I started stalking the diaper swap board for some used prefolds. I also found some awesome deals on other types of diapers and since I realized I didn’t want to get locked into one type of diaper without trying them all. Then I lost count. (Oops!) My stash now consists of:

-33 prefold diapers (rectangular, thick layer in the middle. AKA burp cloths lol. Uses diaper pins or a special clip called a Snappi to hold it closed. Not waterproof so I still need covers.)
-3 Happy Heini Newborn One size pockets (fits 4-18lbs, looks like a disposable. Fleece liner for deflecting poop and for keeping pee on the absorbant liner which you stuff in the pocket. Has a waterproof liner so no cover needed.)
-3 BumGenius 4.0 OS pockets (just like the happy heinys, only bigger)
-6 Kushies (all in ones. Exactly like a disposable, only you wash them. No extra work needed.)
-1 Homemade Pocket fitted (it’s a newborn sized diaper made by a work at home mom. It has a pocket for an absorbant liner. It isn’t waterproof so we’ll need a cover.)

I have plenty of diapers. Lol. Like I said, I still need snappis and covers so I’m not done buying. But we are going to wait until we know what we’re having so I can get some fun colors and designs based on the sex. We’re going to get a few more pocket diapers for over night and I’m also going to buy a swim diaper or two just for the design, but really a swim diaper does nothing but hold in poop so I can use any of my diapers. I’m so excited!

Now I have to start getting detergent and prepping the diapers. 🙂

Wednesday Nears again…

26 weeks!! That’s what my FB status would say tomorrow. I would be complaining about how my little one is in my ribs all day. I would be talking about the baby using my bladder as a squeeze toy. I might even be posting my latest craving. But I’m not. My facebook and blog is filled with what ifs. What if I hadn’t lost my precious gift. What if I wasn’t out to sea. What if… I am trying so hard to keep it all together, but it gets harder everyday I get closer to my due date. All I can think about is what I did to deserve this pain. What I can do to make it go away. What I can do to be pregnant again. I know that another baby will never replace that initial joy. The excitement I had never seen in my husband “can I call my dad now?!” the tears of joy I rarely experienced before and haven’t experienced since. I find myself hiding status updates from those that dote over their beautiful babies and shying away from my support system since they’re all mommies now. I hate that I’m out here all alone. I’m not even with my own ship and my friends. I was too afraid to ask for my orders back because I was so sure I would be pregnant again in no time. Why did I think that I was that lucky? I should have just gone back. Obviously I’d still be there with them. I’d have my friends. Now I just want to die. I want to curl up and die. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. I’m tired all the time from crying, I try my best to lean on my Lord but I don’t think I’m doing it right.  😦 I wish I could make my pain go away.

Umm… Wait… Huh?

So I’m reading my message boards on the babycenter community and I run across this little… Gem. Tell me if this makes sense to you… Someone is trying to have a baby. Does not have insurance. Would not be covered under the potential baby daddy (not husband) and is expecting… wait for it… GOVERNMENT INSURANCE to cover her baby.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

NO, that’s so back asswards it’s not even funny! You don’t try for a baby and THEN get insurance! You get your shit together, settle down with someone and THEN try! Now don’t get me wrong, if you’re not married and you want to have a baby, I’m not judging. Me and Juan technically were not married (or engaged) when we started trying. BUT, here’s the thing, being ready for a baby isn’t just a thought you have. It’s not a wake-up-one-day-and-decide-today’s-the-day-I’m-ready kind of thing. It’s a prepare-your-LIFE-your-BODY-and-your-RELATIONSHIP-to-bring-forth-a-human-being kind of thing.

That means you GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! If your job will not cover insurance, and you can’t afford to buy some, it is not right to make the taxpayer pick up the tab just because you have baby fever.

Seriously though, who tries to have a baby and plans on WELFARE?! Stupid people these days.

PS I hope the right person reads this.

Oops

So like I said it’s been super hard to keep up since I don’t have my lap top anymore. We might buy a new one, but I’m thinking about waiting to get a 2nd generation iPad…

Anyways, my weeks have been uneventful. Me and Juan have been doing our best to make sure we don’t miss ovulation if you know what I mean.

I’ve totally gone back into crazy person TTC mode. Poor guy doesn’t know what to do! But my OPK’s are definitely positive today so I should ovulate in the next few days. It’s just so late in my cycle, I hope I have a normal luteal phase so that I’m able to support a pregnancy! Tomorrow I switch to prenatals and I’ll be getting some baby aspirin to take as well. I hope it doesn’t take as long to get pregnant again!

I have started attending church again. Last week I went alone, but this week I’ll be going with Juan. He’s never gone to a non-denominational church before, I just hope he doesn’t get too scared! 🙂

Updates

So yesterday I took the dogs to dog beach. Bad idea. LOL, I should only take one dog anywhere at a time. Bubba doesn’t listen to me and Roxy is still pretty unpredictable. If I am not holding her, she tries to get other people to pick her up. But I need her to learn to be a dog not a baby. BLAH.

In other news, I’m back to researching some more things that I want to implement in my parenting plans. I was already pro-attachment parenting, but I’m finding some really good information! Like how unlike animals we don’t stay pregnant until our baby is ready for the world. Ever see a giraffe come out and be helpless? Nope. A lot of it makes perfect sense. I’m just hoping that when Juan and I follow through with our parenting plan, we don’t have to deal with too many people trying to make us do it their way.

Gotta update the blog. So I’m backdating it a couple days. Just an FYI, I’m taking a multi-vitamin and basically treating my body as if I’m already pregnant. Except for the once in a blue moon drinking. But I only drink before O. 🙂

Cycle day: 3 (3/27)
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 97.27
CM: AF/medium-heavy
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No
Notes: none

Cycle day: 2 (3/26)
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 97.27
CM: AF/low-medium
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No
Notes: Not a full nights sleep

Cycle day: 4 (3/28)
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 97.20
CM: AF/light
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No
Notes: none

So now you know. 🙂

Poem?

Such an unlikely pair

that has beat the odds and has proven so many wrong

until something they fought in the first years

became the very thing they wanted so much

The love and kindness has always been there

the want and the need flourished

and with the disappointment

came the heartache and the sadness

month after month they fought over what seemed endless

day after day they took out their anger on eachother

Until the day their dreams came true

the life they always wanted was finally coming to light

they celebrated, they shared with the world

they both prepared in every way they could

Just as suddenly as it began, it ended

their world crashed down all around them

their pain was no longer hidden

dealing with the loss of their child is hard

but they’re doing it together.

they’re learning they need each other

no one else in their lives matter

All the people who were so mean and hateful

All the people who weren’t happy for them

All the people who don’t understand

They know they only need eachother

They know they will not let anything stop them from achieving their dream

Nothing is more important to either of them

Not a job, not person, not a place

They learned they were all they had

Even if it was the hard way

So they continue on their journey

They will get their dream

And one day in the future

They vow to see their  angel in heaven.

It’s so not fair…

I was cleaning today and about had a mental breakdown. I thought I was ok. I knew I was still sad, but it hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where; I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant but you know who is?

• A drug addict.
• A child abuser.
• A neglectful woman.
• A teenager.
• A woman with 4 kids already.
• A girl who doesn’t want kids.
• A girl who’s contemplating abortion.
• A woman who’s using it as a bargaining chip.
• A woman who was about to leave her husband.
• A woman who’s slept with 5 people beforehand.

Why does that even make sense?! Why is that in any way fair? So by all logic, I should do everything wrong in order to get what I want. It should be hard for them, not me! You know what I pictured this morning? God passing out babies to all the women who don’t want one or shouldn’t have one and somehow I got mixed in. 4 weeks pass and he realized the mistake and took mine. That’s how I feel. Like he took mine back! I’m just so upset by everything. What am I doing wrong? Why am I failing as a woman?