26 weeks!! That’s what my FB status would say tomorrow. I would be complaining about how my little one is in my ribs all day. I would be talking about the baby using my bladder as a squeeze toy. I might even be posting my latest craving. But I’m not. My facebook and blog is filled with what ifs. What if I hadn’t lost my precious gift. What if I wasn’t out to sea. What if… I am trying so hard to keep it all together, but it gets harder everyday I get closer to my due date. All I can think about is what I did to deserve this pain. What I can do to make it go away. What I can do to be pregnant again. I know that another baby will never replace that initial joy. The excitement I had never seen in my husband “can I call my dad now?!” the tears of joy I rarely experienced before and haven’t experienced since. I find myself hiding status updates from those that dote over their beautiful babies and shying away from my support system since they’re all mommies now. I hate that I’m out here all alone. I’m not even with my own ship and my friends. I was too afraid to ask for my orders back because I was so sure I would be pregnant again in no time. Why did I think that I was that lucky? I should have just gone back. Obviously I’d still be there with them. I’d have my friends. Now I just want to die. I want to curl up and die. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. I’m tired all the time from crying, I try my best to lean on my Lord but I don’t think I’m doing it right. 😦 I wish I could make my pain go away.
Sam
22 Apr 2010 Leave a comment
in Uncategorized Tags: anger, cry, depressed, drinking and driving, emotions, family, grief, hurt, loss, love, sad, sadness, samantha romero, tears
I thought of you today, no different from any other day, but different all the same.
I was reading your mom’s blog and bawling my eyes out. It’s so not fair that you were taken so soon. You were such a beauty queen and BRAT! But I loved you like a sister. Everyday I wonder why you were chosen to go home to Jesus before we were ready. I get sad when I think of all the things you’ll never get to do. I got a picture of Priscilla on prom night and I thought of why you weren’t there. I am (hopefully) going to see her walk across the stage, with her Stingarettes and Cosmetology ropes knowing you should be wearing the same. You had such a promising life ahead of you and because someone wanted to have a “good time” you’re not going to live it. I wear your shirts all the time. When I go to church, when I work out, to sleep, to run errands… I want people to see it and think twice. I miss you so much, Sam.
Sam, I know you’re holding my precious baby. I love you both and miss you both everyday. I know you’re both beautiful angels and you’re dancing with Jesus. I know you’re both in a better place than we have ever known. Just don’t forget about us, we’ll never forget you.
I wish I had told you how much you meant to me while you were here.
1 year
21 Mar 2010 Leave a comment
in Uncategorized Tags: beautiful, drinking, drinking and driving, driving, grief, letter, loss, love, missed, promising, sad, sadness, samantha romero, stingarette, texas city
Samantha-
Today marks 1 year since we lost you. Everyday I think about you. I never thought that I would. I never knew how much you meant to me until you were gone. You were always there for my little sister. No matter which friends came and went, you two were always the constant. You are one of the only girls I have seen blossom from a little girl with mousy features to the beautiful young woman you became.
You left such a mark on the community, I don’t think you knew how loved you were! I miss you. You were like another sister to me. Always making fun of me as much (or more than) Priscilla. You two always made fun of the clothes I wore or how I did my hair. LOL, but ya’ll always made sure to fix it. I was always ok with you making fun of me because we always picked on you. You were so cute when you didn’t understand something, which was often. You’re funny ditzy ways still make me laugh, everytime I think about it.
I just remembered the other day about when Nick brought home those 2 puppies. I named one Harley and the other Davidson. But after you and Davidson spent all day sitting on the couch and not doing much, we renamed him Sam. Do you remember? We gave him away because 2 puppies was too much, but I thought that was funny.
It seems like now, I meet someone new named Sam all the time. It’s so crazy. Not that I could ever forget you, but it’s always a constant reminder. You’ve changed the way I do things. I was always against people drinking and driving, but I was always the cool friend. Or I would drive when I though “I had it.” That’s all different now. I know that you and Raquel would never want anyone else’s family to go through what ya’lls did. So now, I don’t drink a drop if I’m driving. I try my best to make Pancho do the same, but you know how stubborn he is.
Sammy, I know that no one will ever replace you in our lives. I know you’re up there smiling down on us. You were such a sunshine! I miss you everyday and I can’t wait to see you again.
It’s so not fair…
13 Mar 2010 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: anger, emotions, grief, loneliness, loss, miscarriage, pregnancy, sad, sadness, tears
I was cleaning today and about had a mental breakdown. I thought I was ok. I knew I was still sad, but it hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where; I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant but you know who is?
- A drug addict.
- A child abuser.
- A neglectful woman.
- A teenager.
- A woman with 4 kids already.
- A girl who doesn’t want kids.
- A girl who’s contemplating abortion.
- A woman who’s using it as a bargaining chip.
- A woman who was about to leave her husband.
- A woman who’s slept with 5 people beforehand.
Why does that even make sense?! Why is that in any way fair? So by all logic, I should do everything wrong in order to get what I want. It should be hard for them, not me! You know what I pictured this morning? God passing out babies to all the women who don’t want one or shouldn’t have one and somehow I got mixed in. 4 weeks pass and he realized the mistake and took mine. That’s how I feel. Like he took mine back! I’m just so upset by everything. What am I doing wrong? Why am I failing as a woman?
Just a thought
28 Feb 2010 Leave a comment
in Uncategorized Tags: grief, loss, miscarriage, pregnancy, sadness
Just a song with what I’m feeling
The one part that gets me, is the mom who holds up “Gave up my career to be a mom.” I don’t think a lot of people know what it’s like to want to give up everything for a family.