Less than 15 weeks?!

OMG, I don’t know why this didn’t hit me yesterday when I posted… I have less than 15 weeks until my due date. I am literally tearing up just thinking about how close to holding my little baby I am. To want something for so long and go through so much to get there, I can’t believe it’s so SOON! If you had told me September 2006 that I wasn’t going to get pregnant for FOUR years, I would have laughed in your face. No way was it going to take that long. Who tries for that long anyway?! Well now I can say, me. I did. I wanted my baby for four freaking years before I finally conceived. It feels so good to know I have so little time left. It’s definitely a surreal feeling. I’m actually going to be a mommy. And Pancho’s going to be a DADDY! Great, now I’m crying again. LOL. I am so flipping happy about it.

At about 10 weeks Pancho found me curled up in bed crying. He came in and asked me what was wrong and I just said nothing through the heaving (yea, that kind of crying.) Obviously I was lying and he knew it so he kept on. Then it poured out like word vomit “I’m fat, my back hurts, my legs hurt, nothing tastes good, I’ve got a headache, a stomachache and diarreah!” He kind of laughed and said there’s nothing to cry about and why didn’t I tell him sooner? “Because I’ve been wanting this for so long and I didn’t want to be the girl who wants so badly to be pregnant and complains the whole time.”  I did mean it though. I had told myself from day one, that when I finally get pregnant, I’m determined to not complain even if it’s the worst pregnancy in the history of [full term] pregnancies. I just didn’t want to look my gift horse in the mouth.

So that’s my blurb for today. LOL. If you ever wonder why I just don’t complain, or why I’m so insanely over the moon about being pregnant,  that’s why. My baby is my miracle, my blessing and already my everything. I can’t complain. I AM just that happy!

Week 25 Check in

I was supposed to have my video blog up by now. BUT for some reason, no camera wants to cooperate. 😦 Oh well. This will have to do.

Nothing too exciting is happening. I did have a scare a couple weeks ago. Not a scare, persay but definitely something that had me in a panic. As most know, I’m going to a birth center and not a hospital. Well, in order to stay there, I need to be completely low risk. Any rise in risk could be cause for them to drop care and not see me. My anatomy scan showed a bright spot on the heart. This is usually no big deal, but it could mean downs syndrome. I wasn’t worried about the downs part. My blood work showed no significant risk so if the baby does have it, it’s mild. I was worried the midwives would see that as a high risk. And they did, for the most part. I was instructed to get a Level 2 ultrasound just to be sure, but the cost was too much. So I had to bite the bullet and tell the midwives it was up to them to continue care. Luckily, the head midwife brought it up in their weekly meeting. They all decided they would continue care! YAY! So no ultrasound necessary. Woot! I do NOT want to go to a hospital. *Shudder*

The baby is really moving around. Yesterday I felt him/her turn over. SO COOL! I still feel like my belly isn’t that big, until I take a picture. HA! I was going to post a few pictures of my tummy but the computer isn’t cooperating… I suck at technology! I have been updating the registry too. I went in to Babies R Us and actually played with the carseats, strollers and high chairs. I wanted to be sure I could operate them easily and they were all they’re cracked up to be. I have also been doing a lot of comparison shopping to make sure I’m making a good choice. Boy, I didn’t think this part would be so much work! But I’ve got my picks now, so that’s good. I’m really itching to buy stuff but I’ve been told not to. 😦 Not fair. LOL.

We are still totally stumped on a middle name for our boy. I’m not sharing the name until it’s for sure, but oh em gee. Me and Pancho can’t pick anything to save our LIVES! The girl name has been pretty firm for a while, plus, no one will ever question using my grandmothers’ names. LOL. But until we have a solid carved in ice (because it can always be melted!) name, we’re not sharing. Unless you call Pancho on a drunk night. Ugh. That kid. LOL.

I will try to check in more often. Especially since so many read this and don’t always call. LOL. OH BTW, If you live in the Texas City Area and you haven’t sent me your address I need it ASAP. My mom is printing the invites and should be mailing them out soon. 🙂

Wednesday Nears again…

26 weeks!! That’s what my FB status would say tomorrow. I would be complaining about how my little one is in my ribs all day. I would be talking about the baby using my bladder as a squeeze toy. I might even be posting my latest craving. But I’m not. My facebook and blog is filled with what ifs. What if I hadn’t lost my precious gift. What if I wasn’t out to sea. What if… I am trying so hard to keep it all together, but it gets harder everyday I get closer to my due date. All I can think about is what I did to deserve this pain. What I can do to make it go away. What I can do to be pregnant again. I know that another baby will never replace that initial joy. The excitement I had never seen in my husband “can I call my dad now?!” the tears of joy I rarely experienced before and haven’t experienced since. I find myself hiding status updates from those that dote over their beautiful babies and shying away from my support system since they’re all mommies now. I hate that I’m out here all alone. I’m not even with my own ship and my friends. I was too afraid to ask for my orders back because I was so sure I would be pregnant again in no time. Why did I think that I was that lucky? I should have just gone back. Obviously I’d still be there with them. I’d have my friends. Now I just want to die. I want to curl up and die. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. I’m tired all the time from crying, I try my best to lean on my Lord but I don’t think I’m doing it right.  😦 I wish I could make my pain go away.

“But he just doesn’t get it!”

Over the past few days I’ve seen things like this on my TTC boards:

“In his mind its just as mentally tough on him as at it me, nope!”

“But, how do I tell him that he can’t possibly understand how I feel having to actually, physically, go through with this TTC process?!”

You can absolutely be wrong about this. I hate when women act like they’re all alone in this journey. You’re not! Your husband has been there, and even though he may say stupid things “why do I have to quit drinking, people get pregnant while their drunk all the time!” (actual words) and he may not react to bad news like us, he’s been there. Do you actually believe someone who is supposed to be your best friend isn’t feeling the pain and pressure of ttc?

–He’s been there for the repeat negative HPTs. So his response was “well maybe next time,” so what? He’s a MAN he doesn’t express himself like we do. You can’t expect him to get upset every month.

–He’s been there for the miscarriages. So he didn’t cry, get over it! He’s not going to cry about everything. Even losing a baby. He’s been brought up to bury everything. It may not be in the front of his mind like it is for you, but he misses that baby just as much as you do. Case in point, I wanted to throw away the baby book I bought for our last pregnancy today. Juan didn’t let me. You think that’s a man who doesn’t care? He doesn’t cry about it like I do, but when he does open up about it, I can feel the pain he’s been hiding.

–He’s been there for the testing. So he’s only gotten an SA and blood test while you gave a million vials of blood and had a painful HSG. To him, that SA was just as bad as your HSG. It’s a shot at his virility, his ego, that’s painful for a man. Something that needs to be realized is that no man wants to be told his swimmers aren’t working. You think the anxiety didn’t get to him beforehand? You think he didn’t hold his breath until the results came in?

–He’s been there for the drugs. He doesn’t get drugs, fine. I’ll give you that. But really, he is there for you.

–He’s been there for the scheduled sex. No man can say that he enjoys being told when and where to make love to his wife. He is being asked to perform like a trained monkey and you think he hasn’t noticed? He has, and the one thing that has brought him joy since he found out it’s use, is no longer fun. You think timed intercourse is good for your bond?

Give the man a chance. You can’t go through this believing you’re doing so much more than him. That’s the stuff that will weaken your bond. That’s why TTC is hard on a marriage. This isn’t a contest of who’s doing more, who’s hurting more. You’re in this TOGETHER. My advice to you: destress. Go somewhere with your husband to remind EACHOTHER, that you made a covenant to eachother.

You didn’t make a vow to have babies. You did, however, make a vow to take eachother for better or for worse. We should all remember that part of our vows before we allow ourselves to believe that a baby is more important than the state of our marriage.

For me, it took finding my savior to realize that the man that I’ve vowed to spend my life with was slowly becoming my scapegoat. He was the one I turned on if I got another negative test. It wasn’t fair to him, it wasn’t fair to us. I’ve learned to leave it up to God, to just get back to basics with my husband. I’ve damaged our marriage for far too long and I regret letting it go this long.

Umm… Wait… Huh?

So I’m reading my message boards on the babycenter community and I run across this little… Gem. Tell me if this makes sense to you… Someone is trying to have a baby. Does not have insurance. Would not be covered under the potential baby daddy (not husband) and is expecting… wait for it… GOVERNMENT INSURANCE to cover her baby.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

NO, that’s so back asswards it’s not even funny! You don’t try for a baby and THEN get insurance! You get your shit together, settle down with someone and THEN try! Now don’t get me wrong, if you’re not married and you want to have a baby, I’m not judging. Me and Juan technically were not married (or engaged) when we started trying. BUT, here’s the thing, being ready for a baby isn’t just a thought you have. It’s not a wake-up-one-day-and-decide-today’s-the-day-I’m-ready kind of thing. It’s a prepare-your-LIFE-your-BODY-and-your-RELATIONSHIP-to-bring-forth-a-human-being kind of thing.

That means you GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! If your job will not cover insurance, and you can’t afford to buy some, it is not right to make the taxpayer pick up the tab just because you have baby fever.

Seriously though, who tries to have a baby and plans on WELFARE?! Stupid people these days.

PS I hope the right person reads this.

Oops

So like I said it’s been super hard to keep up since I don’t have my lap top anymore. We might buy a new one, but I’m thinking about waiting to get a 2nd generation iPad…

Anyways, my weeks have been uneventful. Me and Juan have been doing our best to make sure we don’t miss ovulation if you know what I mean.

I’ve totally gone back into crazy person TTC mode. Poor guy doesn’t know what to do! But my OPK’s are definitely positive today so I should ovulate in the next few days. It’s just so late in my cycle, I hope I have a normal luteal phase so that I’m able to support a pregnancy! Tomorrow I switch to prenatals and I’ll be getting some baby aspirin to take as well. I hope it doesn’t take as long to get pregnant again!

I have started attending church again. Last week I went alone, but this week I’ll be going with Juan. He’s never gone to a non-denominational church before, I just hope he doesn’t get too scared! 🙂

Dang!

I started working until 3 again, and my laptop died so it’s been harder to keep up. I’m going to just post a link to my chart, so you can keep up there. 🙂 I’ll be updating sometime this week. 🙂

My Chart

Updates

So yesterday I took the dogs to dog beach. Bad idea. LOL, I should only take one dog anywhere at a time. Bubba doesn’t listen to me and Roxy is still pretty unpredictable. If I am not holding her, she tries to get other people to pick her up. But I need her to learn to be a dog not a baby. BLAH.

In other news, I’m back to researching some more things that I want to implement in my parenting plans. I was already pro-attachment parenting, but I’m finding some really good information! Like how unlike animals we don’t stay pregnant until our baby is ready for the world. Ever see a giraffe come out and be helpless? Nope. A lot of it makes perfect sense. I’m just hoping that when Juan and I follow through with our parenting plan, we don’t have to deal with too many people trying to make us do it their way.

Gotta update the blog. So I’m backdating it a couple days. Just an FYI, I’m taking a multi-vitamin and basically treating my body as if I’m already pregnant. Except for the once in a blue moon drinking. But I only drink before O. 🙂

Cycle day: 3 (3/27)
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 97.27
CM: AF/medium-heavy
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No
Notes: none

Cycle day: 2 (3/26)
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 97.27
CM: AF/low-medium
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No
Notes: Not a full nights sleep

Cycle day: 4 (3/28)
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 97.20
CM: AF/light
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No
Notes: none

So now you know. 🙂

Back To School

The school of TTC that is. Bleh. Ah well here goes.

Cycle day: 1
Cycle: 1 (After MC)
Temp: 96.93
CM: AF/light
Mood: Normal
Energy: Normal
Stress: Low
BD: No.

If you have the link to my FF chart, it’s updated with today’s info. 🙂

Poem?

Such an unlikely pair

that has beat the odds and has proven so many wrong

until something they fought in the first years

became the very thing they wanted so much

The love and kindness has always been there

the want and the need flourished

and with the disappointment

came the heartache and the sadness

month after month they fought over what seemed endless

day after day they took out their anger on eachother

Until the day their dreams came true

the life they always wanted was finally coming to light

they celebrated, they shared with the world

they both prepared in every way they could

Just as suddenly as it began, it ended

their world crashed down all around them

their pain was no longer hidden

dealing with the loss of their child is hard

but they’re doing it together.

they’re learning they need each other

no one else in their lives matter

All the people who were so mean and hateful

All the people who weren’t happy for them

All the people who don’t understand

They know they only need eachother

They know they will not let anything stop them from achieving their dream

Nothing is more important to either of them

Not a job, not person, not a place

They learned they were all they had

Even if it was the hard way

So they continue on their journey

They will get their dream

And one day in the future

They vow to see their  angel in heaven.