Less than 15 weeks?!

OMG, I don’t know why this didn’t hit me yesterday when I posted… I have less than 15 weeks until my due date. I am literally tearing up just thinking about how close to holding my little baby I am. To want something for so long and go through so much to get there, I can’t believe it’s so SOON! If you had told me September 2006 that I wasn’t going to get pregnant for FOUR years, I would have laughed in your face. No way was it going to take that long. Who tries for that long anyway?! Well now I can say, me. I did. I wanted my baby for four freaking years before I finally conceived. It feels so good to know I have so little time left. It’s definitely a surreal feeling. I’m actually going to be a mommy. And Pancho’s going to be a DADDY! Great, now I’m crying again. LOL. I am so flipping happy about it.

At about 10 weeks Pancho found me curled up in bed crying. He came in and asked me what was wrong and I just said nothing through the heaving (yea, that kind of crying.) Obviously I was lying and he knew it so he kept on. Then it poured out like word vomit “I’m fat, my back hurts, my legs hurt, nothing tastes good, I’ve got a headache, a stomachache and diarreah!” He kind of laughed and said there’s nothing to cry about and why didn’t I tell him sooner? “Because I’ve been wanting this for so long and I didn’t want to be the girl who wants so badly to be pregnant and complains the whole time.”  I did mean it though. I had told myself from day one, that when I finally get pregnant, I’m determined to not complain even if it’s the worst pregnancy in the history of [full term] pregnancies. I just didn’t want to look my gift horse in the mouth.

So that’s my blurb for today. LOL. If you ever wonder why I just don’t complain, or why I’m so insanely over the moon about being pregnant,  that’s why. My baby is my miracle, my blessing and already my everything. I can’t complain. I AM just that happy!

Week 25 Check in

I was supposed to have my video blog up by now. BUT for some reason, no camera wants to cooperate. 😦 Oh well. This will have to do.

Nothing too exciting is happening. I did have a scare a couple weeks ago. Not a scare, persay but definitely something that had me in a panic. As most know, I’m going to a birth center and not a hospital. Well, in order to stay there, I need to be completely low risk. Any rise in risk could be cause for them to drop care and not see me. My anatomy scan showed a bright spot on the heart. This is usually no big deal, but it could mean downs syndrome. I wasn’t worried about the downs part. My blood work showed no significant risk so if the baby does have it, it’s mild. I was worried the midwives would see that as a high risk. And they did, for the most part. I was instructed to get a Level 2 ultrasound just to be sure, but the cost was too much. So I had to bite the bullet and tell the midwives it was up to them to continue care. Luckily, the head midwife brought it up in their weekly meeting. They all decided they would continue care! YAY! So no ultrasound necessary. Woot! I do NOT want to go to a hospital. *Shudder*

The baby is really moving around. Yesterday I felt him/her turn over. SO COOL! I still feel like my belly isn’t that big, until I take a picture. HA! I was going to post a few pictures of my tummy but the computer isn’t cooperating… I suck at technology! I have been updating the registry too. I went in to Babies R Us and actually played with the carseats, strollers and high chairs. I wanted to be sure I could operate them easily and they were all they’re cracked up to be. I have also been doing a lot of comparison shopping to make sure I’m making a good choice. Boy, I didn’t think this part would be so much work! But I’ve got my picks now, so that’s good. I’m really itching to buy stuff but I’ve been told not to. 😦 Not fair. LOL.

We are still totally stumped on a middle name for our boy. I’m not sharing the name until it’s for sure, but oh em gee. Me and Pancho can’t pick anything to save our LIVES! The girl name has been pretty firm for a while, plus, no one will ever question using my grandmothers’ names. LOL. But until we have a solid carved in ice (because it can always be melted!) name, we’re not sharing. Unless you call Pancho on a drunk night. Ugh. That kid. LOL.

I will try to check in more often. Especially since so many read this and don’t always call. LOL. OH BTW, If you live in the Texas City Area and you haven’t sent me your address I need it ASAP. My mom is printing the invites and should be mailing them out soon. 🙂

Wednesday Nears again…

26 weeks!! That’s what my FB status would say tomorrow. I would be complaining about how my little one is in my ribs all day. I would be talking about the baby using my bladder as a squeeze toy. I might even be posting my latest craving. But I’m not. My facebook and blog is filled with what ifs. What if I hadn’t lost my precious gift. What if I wasn’t out to sea. What if… I am trying so hard to keep it all together, but it gets harder everyday I get closer to my due date. All I can think about is what I did to deserve this pain. What I can do to make it go away. What I can do to be pregnant again. I know that another baby will never replace that initial joy. The excitement I had never seen in my husband “can I call my dad now?!” the tears of joy I rarely experienced before and haven’t experienced since. I find myself hiding status updates from those that dote over their beautiful babies and shying away from my support system since they’re all mommies now. I hate that I’m out here all alone. I’m not even with my own ship and my friends. I was too afraid to ask for my orders back because I was so sure I would be pregnant again in no time. Why did I think that I was that lucky? I should have just gone back. Obviously I’d still be there with them. I’d have my friends. Now I just want to die. I want to curl up and die. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. I’m tired all the time from crying, I try my best to lean on my Lord but I don’t think I’m doing it right.  😦 I wish I could make my pain go away.

“But he just doesn’t get it!”

Over the past few days I’ve seen things like this on my TTC boards:

“In his mind its just as mentally tough on him as at it me, nope!”

“But, how do I tell him that he can’t possibly understand how I feel having to actually, physically, go through with this TTC process?!”

You can absolutely be wrong about this. I hate when women act like they’re all alone in this journey. You’re not! Your husband has been there, and even though he may say stupid things “why do I have to quit drinking, people get pregnant while their drunk all the time!” (actual words) and he may not react to bad news like us, he’s been there. Do you actually believe someone who is supposed to be your best friend isn’t feeling the pain and pressure of ttc?

He’s been there for the repeat negative HPTs. So his response was “well maybe next time,” so what? He’s a MAN he doesn’t express himself like we do. You can’t expect him to get upset every month.

He’s been there for the miscarriages. So he didn’t cry, get over it! He’s not going to cry about everything. Even losing a baby. He’s been brought up to bury everything. It may not be in the front of his mind like it is for you, but he misses that baby just as much as you do. Case in point, I wanted to throw away the baby book I bought for our last pregnancy today. Juan didn’t let me. You think that’s a man who doesn’t care? He doesn’t cry about it like I do, but when he does open up about it, I can feel the pain he’s been hiding.

He’s been there for the testing. So he’s only gotten an SA and blood test while you gave a million vials of blood and had a painful HSG. To him, that SA was just as bad as your HSG. It’s a shot at his virility, his ego, that’s painful for a man. Something that needs to be realized is that no man wants to be told his swimmers aren’t working. You think the anxiety didn’t get to him beforehand? You think he didn’t hold his breath until the results came in?

He’s been there for the drugs. He doesn’t get drugs, fine. I’ll give you that. But really, he is there for you.

He’s been there for the scheduled sex. No man can say that he enjoys being told when and where to make love to his wife. He is being asked to perform like a trained monkey and you think he hasn’t noticed? He has, and the one thing that has brought him joy since he found out it’s use, is no longer fun. You think timed intercourse is good for your bond?

Give the man a chance. You can’t go through this believing you’re doing so much more than him. That’s the stuff that will weaken your bond. That’s why TTC is hard on a marriage. This isn’t a contest of who’s doing more, who’s hurting more. You’re in this TOGETHER. My advice to you: destress. Go somewhere with your husband to remind EACHOTHER, that you made a covenant to eachother.

You didn’t make a vow to have babies. You did, however, make a vow to take eachother for better or for worse. We should all remember that part of our vows before we allow ourselves to believe that a baby is more important than the state of our marriage.

For me, it took finding my savior to realize that the man that I’ve vowed to spend my life with was slowly becoming my scapegoat. He was the one I turned on if I got another negative test. It wasn’t fair to him, it wasn’t fair to us. I’ve learned to leave it up to God, to just get back to basics with my husband. I’ve damaged our marriage for far too long and I regret letting it go this long.

Sam

I thought of you today, no different from any other day, but different all the same.

I was reading your mom’s blog and bawling my eyes out. It’s so not fair that you were taken so soon. You were such a beauty queen and BRAT! But I loved you like a sister. Everyday I wonder why you were chosen to go home to Jesus before we were ready. I get sad when I think of all the things you’ll never get to do. I got a picture of Priscilla on prom night and I thought of why you weren’t there. I am (hopefully) going to see her walk across the stage, with her Stingarettes and Cosmetology ropes knowing you should be wearing the same.  You had such a promising life ahead of you and because someone wanted to have a “good time” you’re not going to live it. I wear your shirts all the time. When I go to church, when I work out, to sleep, to run errands… I want people to see it and think twice. I miss you so much, Sam.

Sam, I know you’re holding my precious baby. I love you both and miss you both everyday. I know you’re both beautiful angels and you’re dancing with Jesus. I know you’re both in a better place than we have ever known. Just don’t forget about us, we’ll never forget you.

I wish I had told you how much you meant to me while you were here.

Poem?

Such an unlikely pair

that has beat the odds and has proven so many wrong

until something they fought in the first years

became the very thing they wanted so much

The love and kindness has always been there

the want and the need flourished

and with the disappointment

came the heartache and the sadness

month after month they fought over what seemed endless

day after day they took out their anger on eachother

Until the day their dreams came true

the life they always wanted was finally coming to light

they celebrated, they shared with the world

they both prepared in every way they could

Just as suddenly as it began, it ended

their world crashed down all around them

their pain was no longer hidden

dealing with the loss of their child is hard

but they’re doing it together.

they’re learning they need each other

no one else in their lives matter

All the people who were so mean and hateful

All the people who weren’t happy for them

All the people who don’t understand

They know they only need eachother

They know they will not let anything stop them from achieving their dream

Nothing is more important to either of them

Not a job, not person, not a place

They learned they were all they had

Even if it was the hard way

So they continue on their journey

They will get their dream

And one day in the future

They vow to see their  angel in heaven.

1 year

Samantha-

Today marks 1 year since we lost you. Everyday I think about you. I never thought that I would. I never knew how much you meant to me until you were gone. You were always there for my little sister. No matter which friends came and went, you two were always the constant. You are one of the only girls I have seen blossom from a little girl with mousy features to the beautiful young woman you became.

You left such a mark on the community, I don’t think you knew how loved you were! I miss you. You were like another sister to me. Always making fun of me as much (or more than) Priscilla. You two always made fun of the clothes I wore or how I did my hair. LOL, but ya’ll always made sure to fix it. I was always ok with you making fun of me because we always picked on you. You were so cute when you didn’t understand something, which was often. You’re funny ditzy ways still make me laugh, everytime  I think about it.

I just remembered the other day about when Nick brought home those 2 puppies. I named one Harley and the other Davidson. But after you and Davidson spent all day sitting on the couch and not doing much, we renamed him Sam. Do you remember? We gave him away because 2 puppies was too much, but I thought that was funny.

It seems like now, I meet someone new named Sam all the time. It’s so crazy. Not that I could ever forget you, but it’s always a constant reminder. You’ve changed the way I do things. I was always against people drinking and driving, but I was always the cool friend. Or I would drive when I though “I had it.” That’s all different now. I know that you and Raquel would never want anyone else’s family to go through what ya’lls did. So now, I don’t drink a drop if I’m driving. I try my best to make Pancho do the same, but you know how stubborn he is.

Sammy, I know that no one will ever replace you in our lives. I know you’re up there smiling down on us. You were such a sunshine! I miss you everyday and I can’t wait to see you again.

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