“But he just doesn’t get it!”

Over the past few days I’ve seen things like this on my TTC boards:

“In his mind its just as mentally tough on him as at it me, nope!”

“But, how do I tell him that he can’t possibly understand how I feel having to actually, physically, go through with this TTC process?!”

You can absolutely be wrong about this. I hate when women act like they’re all alone in this journey. You’re not! Your husband has been there, and even though he may say stupid things “why do I have to quit drinking, people get pregnant while their drunk all the time!” (actual words) and he may not react to bad news like us, he’s been there. Do you actually believe someone who is supposed to be your best friend isn’t feeling the pain and pressure of ttc?

–He’s been there for the repeat negative HPTs. So his response was “well maybe next time,” so what? He’s a MAN he doesn’t express himself like we do. You can’t expect him to get upset every month.

–He’s been there for the miscarriages. So he didn’t cry, get over it! He’s not going to cry about everything. Even losing a baby. He’s been brought up to bury everything. It may not be in the front of his mind like it is for you, but he misses that baby just as much as you do. Case in point, I wanted to throw away the baby book I bought for our last pregnancy today. Juan didn’t let me. You think that’s a man who doesn’t care? He doesn’t cry about it like I do, but when he does open up about it, I can feel the pain he’s been hiding.

–He’s been there for the testing. So he’s only gotten an SA and blood test while you gave a million vials of blood and had a painful HSG. To him, that SA was just as bad as your HSG. It’s a shot at his virility, his ego, that’s painful for a man. Something that needs to be realized is that no man wants to be told his swimmers aren’t working. You think the anxiety didn’t get to him beforehand? You think he didn’t hold his breath until the results came in?

–He’s been there for the drugs. He doesn’t get drugs, fine. I’ll give you that. But really, he is there for you.

–He’s been there for the scheduled sex. No man can say that he enjoys being told when and where to make love to his wife. He is being asked to perform like a trained monkey and you think he hasn’t noticed? He has, and the one thing that has brought him joy since he found out it’s use, is no longer fun. You think timed intercourse is good for your bond?

Give the man a chance. You can’t go through this believing you’re doing so much more than him. That’s the stuff that will weaken your bond. That’s why TTC is hard on a marriage. This isn’t a contest of who’s doing more, who’s hurting more. You’re in this TOGETHER. My advice to you: destress. Go somewhere with your husband to remind EACHOTHER, that you made a covenant to eachother.

You didn’t make a vow to have babies. You did, however, make a vow to take eachother for better or for worse. We should all remember that part of our vows before we allow ourselves to believe that a baby is more important than the state of our marriage.

For me, it took finding my savior to realize that the man that I’ve vowed to spend my life with was slowly becoming my scapegoat. He was the one I turned on if I got another negative test. It wasn’t fair to him, it wasn’t fair to us. I’ve learned to leave it up to God, to just get back to basics with my husband. I’ve damaged our marriage for far too long and I regret letting it go this long.

Umm… Wait… Huh?

So I’m reading my message boards on the babycenter community and I run across this little… Gem. Tell me if this makes sense to you… Someone is trying to have a baby. Does not have insurance. Would not be covered under the potential baby daddy (not husband) and is expecting… wait for it… GOVERNMENT INSURANCE to cover her baby.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

NO, that’s so back asswards it’s not even funny! You don’t try for a baby and THEN get insurance! You get your shit together, settle down with someone and THEN try! Now don’t get me wrong, if you’re not married and you want to have a baby, I’m not judging. Me and Juan technically were not married (or engaged) when we started trying. BUT, here’s the thing, being ready for a baby isn’t just a thought you have. It’s not a wake-up-one-day-and-decide-today’s-the-day-I’m-ready kind of thing. It’s a prepare-your-LIFE-your-BODY-and-your-RELATIONSHIP-to-bring-forth-a-human-being kind of thing.

That means you GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! If your job will not cover insurance, and you can’t afford to buy some, it is not right to make the taxpayer pick up the tab just because you have baby fever.

Seriously though, who tries to have a baby and plans on WELFARE?! Stupid people these days.

PS I hope the right person reads this.

Poem?

Such an unlikely pair

that has beat the odds and has proven so many wrong

until something they fought in the first years

became the very thing they wanted so much

The love and kindness has always been there

the want and the need flourished

and with the disappointment

came the heartache and the sadness

month after month they fought over what seemed endless

day after day they took out their anger on eachother

Until the day their dreams came true

the life they always wanted was finally coming to light

they celebrated, they shared with the world

they both prepared in every way they could

Just as suddenly as it began, it ended

their world crashed down all around them

their pain was no longer hidden

dealing with the loss of their child is hard

but they’re doing it together.

they’re learning they need each other

no one else in their lives matter

All the people who were so mean and hateful

All the people who weren’t happy for them

All the people who don’t understand

They know they only need eachother

They know they will not let anything stop them from achieving their dream

Nothing is more important to either of them

Not a job, not person, not a place

They learned they were all they had

Even if it was the hard way

So they continue on their journey

They will get their dream

And one day in the future

They vow to see their  angel in heaven.

I think…

Maybe that’s the problem, I think too much. I have been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years. My birth plan, my parenting plan and my family plan is something I have put a lot of thought into for a long time. I am not judging anyone. If I have an opinion on something, that doesn’t mean I hate you for choosing the opposite. I know that a lot of the things I am passionate about are hot button issues. It’s why I’m passionate about them. If there is something that other people are all about, you can’t oppose it half-heartedly. No one will ever take you seriously.

I am glad that I can have conversations with my BBC girls and never have to worry about being judged. I also know that not everyone is going to be like them. None of us take it personally when someone opposes our views, and if someone disagrees with our decisions, we don’t hold it against them. All of those girls are all over the spectrum. Some circed, some didn’t. Some breastfed, some bottle fed. Induced, not induced. Natural, drugged. But not one of us would ever believe we look down on them. Because we don’t.

So if ever you’re reading my blog with my opinions and you get offended at something I say, take a step back and remember that I didn’t post that to pick on you. I am not saying that anyone who does the things I don’t like are any less of a person/woman/parent. I’m saying I have a different opinion than you. I’m saying I like to get all the facts and make an informed decision. If in the end my informed decision is that thing I was so against, so be it.

One last thing. I personally don’t like when people remind me that I haven’t given birth. Maybe right now the wound is too fresh. In my opinion telling a girl who just lost her baby within the last month that she doesn’t get it because she’s not a parent/hasn’t given birth/just doesn’t know, is kind of rude. Thank you for reminding me that I’m the biggest failure at the simplest female role.

Erm…

The rest of the last post was an angry, angry, rant. I took it down out of respect of the person it was directed at. While I will never apologize for being pregnant or wanting a family, I am apologizing for lashing out. My anger is displaced. I know half the people I am angry with will really never know what I’m feeling. To think they should, to think they ever could, is unrealistic. I know this, a lot of people know this. These past 10 days have been crazy and unrelenting. There are days were I cry for hours at a time others when I just wanna dance. There are days where I do nothing but eat and others when I can’t eat at all. There are days when I wish everyone would call me and days where I want to stay in bed and disconnect my phone. My emotions are all I have some days, if they get misdirected I’m sorry. I’ve said it before, being alone in this house with no one here to turn to, my head and heart do a number on me. I’m going to close this with rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, YAY GOD!

Week 5 day 2

Ok, so this may not be a daily thing… Just felt like posting again today. 🙂

Went to TPU today. It was ok, we got inspected then all the preggos piled into the preggo coordinator’s office. He told everyone to go home… except me. 😦 LOL No problem, I have indoc. It was so boring! I walk in to the middle of CMC talking, he’s one of the big dogs if you don’t know, and he doesn’t like that. Ah well, he finishes and then a string of other people come in and talk about things we already know. Boring. Well I get done there and realize, Juan left a couple hours ago in our only car (he stayed in the parking lot until he had to leave for work just in case I got out early). So now I have to take the trolley. After doing a tiny bit of research on wearing the new working uniform on public transportation, I walk to the trolley station and begin the hour long ride to Juan’s job. Boring. LOL. So I finally get there and I take the car to come home. I walk in the door to my good little doggies still in their enclosure…

LIES! I got close enough to the baby-gate to see that they peed ALL OVER THE FLOOR! And Roxy pooped. Gah. So I put them out side, round the corner and see trash all over the kitchen, dining room and living room. Bubba actually jumped over the gate, got into the trash, and jumped back in. WTH! I get to the living room and a pair of my sleeping pants (which were upstairs on the floor) are in the middle of the living room with a steaming pile of poo on top. Jerk.

I know he’s acting out because he thinks I hate him. We put up the baby gates and bought a dog bed before I even knew I was pregnant, but once we knew, we figured it was a good thing he would learn not to sleep in the bed. One thing I have wanted since I started TTC is to breastfeed exclusively for the first 6 months. Meaning the first 3, I want the baby in the bed or in a co-sleeper bassinet. That way the baby is close by and it will minimize the awake time. So once we found out, I thought, “good, if he learns now, he won’t think it’s because of the baby.” One problem, JUAN thinks it’s ok to let him into the room when he gets home at night. So I wake up to a stinky dog fart and have to be the bad guy and put him back. AND I have to carry the little monster because he won’t listen to me. UGH! Fine. Whatever. Boo.

Unsolicited advice. Well, I should start by saying I come from a huge family. My Mom is one of 10 and my dad is one of 5. I should also add that a long time ago (almost 3 years now) I joined a support group of sorts for women who were trying to conceive. There are about 19 of us that are active in the group, only 1 girl is left still waiting for a baby (You’re next A.L.!) So with every new pregnancy, we learn something new. They all share and discuss things that are going on and we all learn new techniques and new approaches. One last thing, I’ve done my research on the parenting style I want to go with. I appreciate everyone wanting to help me do the right thing. But the right thing for you doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for me.

So just to be clear, partial attachment parenting is what we are doing. Obviously, I can’t stay home, but as long as we can help it, the baby won’t be with strangers alone. We’re not going to use bottles unless absolutely necessary (I’m at work) so no one is feeding the baby but us. YES the baby is sleeping my bed for a little while. That’s where I want my child. Yes, we will have a crib for nap times and, after the 3 month mark, all the time. I’ve done the leg work, for almost 3 1/2 years now. Do I think we’re fully prepared, HELL NO! But, I think we’re going to be doing what’s best for us. So while I know you are all trying to be helpful, please respect the choices we are making.

Speaking of choices, I will not be using drugs for birth. No interventions whatsoever. If you watch the business of being born, you’ll see why. I refuse to have my baby ripped from me and given God knows what. A good chunk of births that were intervened with, end in an “emergency c-section.” I’m a woman and giving birth is what I was built to do. I’m sorry if you don’t have faith in me, I’m sorry if you couldn’t do it. It’s not that I think any less of you, it’s just not what I want for me. Please don’t take offense. As for that crap of “if it comes out healthy who cares how it got here” bull. I want every moment of this miracle to be special. That includes it’s birth. 🙂 I want to be able to move around, I want the baby to latch correctly and I don’t want the complications that come with “speeding things up.”

So that’s my rant. I’ve said it before, don’t get butt hurt if you think I’m talking about you. It’s nothing personal, you’re basically reading my journal.