Less than 15 weeks?!

OMG, I don’t know why this didn’t hit me yesterday when I posted… I have less than 15 weeks until my due date. I am literally tearing up just thinking about how close to holding my little baby I am. To want something for so long and go through so much to get there, I can’t believe it’s so SOON! If you had told me September 2006 that I wasn’t going to get pregnant for FOUR years, I would have laughed in your face. No way was it going to take that long. Who tries for that long anyway?! Well now I can say, me. I did. I wanted my baby for four freaking years before I finally conceived. It feels so good to know I have so little time left. It’s definitely a surreal feeling. I’m actually going to be a mommy. And Pancho’s going to be a DADDY! Great, now I’m crying again. LOL. I am so flipping happy about it.

At about 10 weeks Pancho found me curled up in bed crying. He came in and asked me what was wrong and I just said nothing through the heaving (yea, that kind of crying.) Obviously I was lying and he knew it so he kept on. Then it poured out like word vomit “I’m fat, my back hurts, my legs hurt, nothing tastes good, I’ve got a headache, a stomachache and diarreah!” He kind of laughed and said there’s nothing to cry about and why didn’t I tell him sooner? “Because I’ve been wanting this for so long and I didn’t want to be the girl who wants so badly to be pregnant and complains the whole time.”  I did mean it though. I had told myself from day one, that when I finally get pregnant, I’m determined to not complain even if it’s the worst pregnancy in the history of [full term] pregnancies. I just didn’t want to look my gift horse in the mouth.

So that’s my blurb for today. LOL. If you ever wonder why I just don’t complain, or why I’m so insanely over the moon about being pregnant,  that’s why. My baby is my miracle, my blessing and already my everything. I can’t complain. I AM just that happy!

Wednesday Nears again…

26 weeks!! That’s what my FB status would say tomorrow. I would be complaining about how my little one is in my ribs all day. I would be talking about the baby using my bladder as a squeeze toy. I might even be posting my latest craving. But I’m not. My facebook and blog is filled with what ifs. What if I hadn’t lost my precious gift. What if I wasn’t out to sea. What if… I am trying so hard to keep it all together, but it gets harder everyday I get closer to my due date. All I can think about is what I did to deserve this pain. What I can do to make it go away. What I can do to be pregnant again. I know that another baby will never replace that initial joy. The excitement I had never seen in my husband “can I call my dad now?!” the tears of joy I rarely experienced before and haven’t experienced since. I find myself hiding status updates from those that dote over their beautiful babies and shying away from my support system since they’re all mommies now. I hate that I’m out here all alone. I’m not even with my own ship and my friends. I was too afraid to ask for my orders back because I was so sure I would be pregnant again in no time. Why did I think that I was that lucky? I should have just gone back. Obviously I’d still be there with them. I’d have my friends. Now I just want to die. I want to curl up and die. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home. I’m tired all the time from crying, I try my best to lean on my Lord but I don’t think I’m doing it right.  😦 I wish I could make my pain go away.

“But he just doesn’t get it!”

Over the past few days I’ve seen things like this on my TTC boards:

“In his mind its just as mentally tough on him as at it me, nope!”

“But, how do I tell him that he can’t possibly understand how I feel having to actually, physically, go through with this TTC process?!”

You can absolutely be wrong about this. I hate when women act like they’re all alone in this journey. You’re not! Your husband has been there, and even though he may say stupid things “why do I have to quit drinking, people get pregnant while their drunk all the time!” (actual words) and he may not react to bad news like us, he’s been there. Do you actually believe someone who is supposed to be your best friend isn’t feeling the pain and pressure of ttc?

–He’s been there for the repeat negative HPTs. So his response was “well maybe next time,” so what? He’s a MAN he doesn’t express himself like we do. You can’t expect him to get upset every month.

–He’s been there for the miscarriages. So he didn’t cry, get over it! He’s not going to cry about everything. Even losing a baby. He’s been brought up to bury everything. It may not be in the front of his mind like it is for you, but he misses that baby just as much as you do. Case in point, I wanted to throw away the baby book I bought for our last pregnancy today. Juan didn’t let me. You think that’s a man who doesn’t care? He doesn’t cry about it like I do, but when he does open up about it, I can feel the pain he’s been hiding.

–He’s been there for the testing. So he’s only gotten an SA and blood test while you gave a million vials of blood and had a painful HSG. To him, that SA was just as bad as your HSG. It’s a shot at his virility, his ego, that’s painful for a man. Something that needs to be realized is that no man wants to be told his swimmers aren’t working. You think the anxiety didn’t get to him beforehand? You think he didn’t hold his breath until the results came in?

–He’s been there for the drugs. He doesn’t get drugs, fine. I’ll give you that. But really, he is there for you.

–He’s been there for the scheduled sex. No man can say that he enjoys being told when and where to make love to his wife. He is being asked to perform like a trained monkey and you think he hasn’t noticed? He has, and the one thing that has brought him joy since he found out it’s use, is no longer fun. You think timed intercourse is good for your bond?

Give the man a chance. You can’t go through this believing you’re doing so much more than him. That’s the stuff that will weaken your bond. That’s why TTC is hard on a marriage. This isn’t a contest of who’s doing more, who’s hurting more. You’re in this TOGETHER. My advice to you: destress. Go somewhere with your husband to remind EACHOTHER, that you made a covenant to eachother.

You didn’t make a vow to have babies. You did, however, make a vow to take eachother for better or for worse. We should all remember that part of our vows before we allow ourselves to believe that a baby is more important than the state of our marriage.

For me, it took finding my savior to realize that the man that I’ve vowed to spend my life with was slowly becoming my scapegoat. He was the one I turned on if I got another negative test. It wasn’t fair to him, it wasn’t fair to us. I’ve learned to leave it up to God, to just get back to basics with my husband. I’ve damaged our marriage for far too long and I regret letting it go this long.

Sam

I thought of you today, no different from any other day, but different all the same.

I was reading your mom’s blog and bawling my eyes out. It’s so not fair that you were taken so soon. You were such a beauty queen and BRAT! But I loved you like a sister. Everyday I wonder why you were chosen to go home to Jesus before we were ready. I get sad when I think of all the things you’ll never get to do. I got a picture of Priscilla on prom night and I thought of why you weren’t there. I am (hopefully) going to see her walk across the stage, with her Stingarettes and Cosmetology ropes knowing you should be wearing the same.  You had such a promising life ahead of you and because someone wanted to have a “good time” you’re not going to live it. I wear your shirts all the time. When I go to church, when I work out, to sleep, to run errands… I want people to see it and think twice. I miss you so much, Sam.

Sam, I know you’re holding my precious baby. I love you both and miss you both everyday. I know you’re both beautiful angels and you’re dancing with Jesus. I know you’re both in a better place than we have ever known. Just don’t forget about us, we’ll never forget you.

I wish I had told you how much you meant to me while you were here.

Poem?

Such an unlikely pair

that has beat the odds and has proven so many wrong

until something they fought in the first years

became the very thing they wanted so much

The love and kindness has always been there

the want and the need flourished

and with the disappointment

came the heartache and the sadness

month after month they fought over what seemed endless

day after day they took out their anger on eachother

Until the day their dreams came true

the life they always wanted was finally coming to light

they celebrated, they shared with the world

they both prepared in every way they could

Just as suddenly as it began, it ended

their world crashed down all around them

their pain was no longer hidden

dealing with the loss of their child is hard

but they’re doing it together.

they’re learning they need each other

no one else in their lives matter

All the people who were so mean and hateful

All the people who weren’t happy for them

All the people who don’t understand

They know they only need eachother

They know they will not let anything stop them from achieving their dream

Nothing is more important to either of them

Not a job, not person, not a place

They learned they were all they had

Even if it was the hard way

So they continue on their journey

They will get their dream

And one day in the future

They vow to see their  angel in heaven.

It’s so not fair…

I was cleaning today and about had a mental breakdown. I thought I was ok. I knew I was still sad, but it hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where; I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant but you know who is?

• A drug addict.
• A child abuser.
• A neglectful woman.
• A teenager.
• A woman with 4 kids already.
• A girl who doesn’t want kids.
• A girl who’s contemplating abortion.
• A woman who’s using it as a bargaining chip.
• A woman who was about to leave her husband.
• A woman who’s slept with 5 people beforehand.

Why does that even make sense?! Why is that in any way fair? So by all logic, I should do everything wrong in order to get what I want. It should be hard for them, not me! You know what I pictured this morning? God passing out babies to all the women who don’t want one or shouldn’t have one and somehow I got mixed in. 4 weeks pass and he realized the mistake and took mine. That’s how I feel. Like he took mine back! I’m just so upset by everything. What am I doing wrong? Why am I failing as a woman?

I think…

Maybe that’s the problem, I think too much. I have been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years. My birth plan, my parenting plan and my family plan is something I have put a lot of thought into for a long time. I am not judging anyone. If I have an opinion on something, that doesn’t mean I hate you for choosing the opposite. I know that a lot of the things I am passionate about are hot button issues. It’s why I’m passionate about them. If there is something that other people are all about, you can’t oppose it half-heartedly. No one will ever take you seriously.

I am glad that I can have conversations with my BBC girls and never have to worry about being judged. I also know that not everyone is going to be like them. None of us take it personally when someone opposes our views, and if someone disagrees with our decisions, we don’t hold it against them. All of those girls are all over the spectrum. Some circed, some didn’t. Some breastfed, some bottle fed. Induced, not induced. Natural, drugged. But not one of us would ever believe we look down on them. Because we don’t.

So if ever you’re reading my blog with my opinions and you get offended at something I say, take a step back and remember that I didn’t post that to pick on you. I am not saying that anyone who does the things I don’t like are any less of a person/woman/parent. I’m saying I have a different opinion than you. I’m saying I like to get all the facts and make an informed decision. If in the end my informed decision is that thing I was so against, so be it.

One last thing. I personally don’t like when people remind me that I haven’t given birth. Maybe right now the wound is too fresh. In my opinion telling a girl who just lost her baby within the last month that she doesn’t get it because she’s not a parent/hasn’t given birth/just doesn’t know, is kind of rude. Thank you for reminding me that I’m the biggest failure at the simplest female role.

Erm…

The rest of the last post was an angry, angry, rant. I took it down out of respect of the person it was directed at. While I will never apologize for being pregnant or wanting a family, I am apologizing for lashing out. My anger is displaced. I know half the people I am angry with will really never know what I’m feeling. To think they should, to think they ever could, is unrealistic. I know this, a lot of people know this. These past 10 days have been crazy and unrelenting. There are days were I cry for hours at a time others when I just wanna dance. There are days where I do nothing but eat and others when I can’t eat at all. There are days when I wish everyone would call me and days where I want to stay in bed and disconnect my phone. My emotions are all I have some days, if they get misdirected I’m sorry. I’ve said it before, being alone in this house with no one here to turn to, my head and heart do a number on me. I’m going to close this with rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, YAY GOD!

My Emotions

Part 1

Part 2

Lost

After only knowing I was pregnant for 12 days, I lost my little pumpkin seed. Right now I’m just numb. I don’t feel anything but will spontaneously cry. My poor husband doesn’t know what to do or say. I wish I could tell him what he could do to make it better but the truth is I don’t know what could make it better. I never thought that I could love something so much after only 12 days. The last 5 days have been an emotional roller-coaster that I thought would all be worth it in the end. But obviously it wasn’t. I just know that all I’ve ever wanted was a family. I know it will eventually happen, but when? It just isn’t fair, ya know? Why is it that people who don’t want kids, or can’t handle them, have kids? Why are they more worthy than I? It doesn’t make sense! And why do some women have to have such a hard time getting pregnant and others just stop using birth control and POOF! What about the ones whose BC fails them. THEY DIDN’T EVEN WANT A KID! Why? I know that God has a plan and everything in his time and all those other cliches that everyone tries to tell me. I just want to know WHY.

Trying again– We’re not exactly sure when we’ll start again. I know it’s not going to be long, but we are going to give ourselves some time. We both know that miscarriage is part of the trying process. We know that this loss hurts but we can’t be scared to try again.

If you’ve been trying to call, I’m sorry but we’re not answering the phones. We’re just going to be together today.